I’m Nine Weeks Pregnant And I Refuse To Live In The ‘I Might Miscarry’ Zone
The thing is â€“ apart from all of this obsessing â€“ I had a really easy pregnancy.Â I didnâ€™t have morning sickness.Â I wasnâ€™t too tired.Â I worked behind a bar until I was seven months pregnant and in a restaurant until mere weeks before I gave birth.Â I gained less than 20 pounds.Â It was all very easy.Â This fantastic pregnancy was pretty much lost on me though, as I took the absence of symptoms as a sign that something was definitely wrong.
Nothing was wrong.Â Forty-one weeks after I became pregnant, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Forty-one weeks of hand wringing, sleepless nights, and so much Internet research it would make your head spin – all the while, not enjoying the fact that I was experiencing one of those rare, easy, totally symptom-free pregnancies.
As I write this, there is a smell emanating from my neighborâ€™s apartment that is making me want to stab myself in the face.Â My stomach is in knots, my head hurts, and if I didnâ€™t have a toddler who is going to be demanding my attention as soon as Sesame Street is over,Â I would climb right back into bed.
Iâ€™m pregnant again.
It took three years of infertility, two miscarriages, one ectopic pregnancy, acupuncture, temperature charting, ovulation predicting, body cleansing â€“ and a zillion other strange rituals I donâ€™t even want to mention to get me to the birth of my son.Â This time around â€“ it was one night that we were less than careful.
Mother Nature may be a bitch, but she certainly has a sense of humor.
In the absence of all of the contemplating and organizing that goes on when a pregnancy is planned â€“ I am realizing that there are some things in life that you have no control over.Â This time around, I am going to be okay with that.Â I refuse to spend even one second of this pregnancy in the â€œmiscarriage zone.â€Â Iâ€™m nine weeks today, and even though Iâ€™m not in â€œthe clearâ€ as they say â€“ I am telling the world that Iâ€™m pregnant.
I havenâ€™t had a single ultrasound and only one very routine doctor visit that basically just involved a pregnancy test.Â Iâ€™ll be going next week for a more detailed visit that will involve blood tests and other things that will confirm or deny the strength of this pregnancy.Â Maybe Iâ€™ll regret my decision if things are not okay.Â But at this point, Iâ€™m really sick of the idea that pregnancy loss is something to be hidden â€“ and something that women have to go through alone.Â Iâ€™m not doing it that way this time.
So Iâ€™ll just be crossing my fingers, playing with my child, trying not to puke, and believing everything is okay.Â I want to actually enjoy this pregnancy.Â I think Iâ€™ll start by not spending the first three months of it scared shitless.