I’m Nine Weeks Pregnant And I Refuse To Live In The ‘I Might Miscarry’ Zone

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The thing is – apart from all of this obsessing – I had a really easy pregnancy.  I didn’t have morning sickness.  I wasn’t too tired.  I worked behind a bar until I was seven months pregnant and in a restaurant until mere weeks before I gave birth.  I gained less than 20 pounds.  It was all very easy.  This fantastic pregnancy was pretty much lost on me though, as I took the absence of symptoms as a sign that something was definitely wrong.

Nothing was wrong.  Forty-one weeks after I became pregnant, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Forty-one weeks of hand wringing, sleepless nights, and so much Internet research it would make your head spin – all the while, not enjoying the fact that I was experiencing one of those rare, easy, totally symptom-free pregnancies.

As I write this, there is a smell emanating from my neighbor’s apartment that is making me want to stab myself in the face.  My stomach is in knots, my head hurts, and if I didn’t have a toddler who is going to be demanding my attention as soon as Sesame Street is over,  I would climb right back into bed.

I’m pregnant again.

It took three years of infertility, two miscarriages, one ectopic pregnancy, acupuncture, temperature charting, ovulation predicting, body cleansing – and a zillion other strange rituals I don’t even want to mention to get me to the birth of my son.  This time around – it was one night that we were less than careful.

Mother Nature may be a bitch, but she certainly has a sense of humor.

In the absence of all of the contemplating and organizing that goes on when a pregnancy is planned – I am realizing that there are some things in life that you have no control over.  This time around, I am going to be okay with that.  I refuse to spend even one second of this pregnancy in the “miscarriage zone.”  I’m nine weeks today, and even though I’m not in “the clear” as they say – I am telling the world that I’m pregnant.

I haven’t had a single ultrasound and only one very routine doctor visit that basically just involved a pregnancy test.  I’ll be going next week for a more detailed visit that will involve blood tests and other things that will confirm or deny the strength of this pregnancy.  Maybe I’ll regret my decision if things are not okay.  But at this point, I’m really sick of the idea that pregnancy loss is something to be hidden – and something that women have to go through alone.  I’m not doing it that way this time.

So I’ll just be crossing my fingers, playing with my child, trying not to puke, and believing everything is okay.  I want to actually enjoy this pregnancy. I think I’ll start by not spending the first three months of it scared shitless.

(photo: zentilia/ Shutterstock)

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