I’m Nine Weeks Pregnant And I Refuse To Live In The ‘I Might Miscarry’ Zone
I never really experienced a stress-free pregnancy.Â I was always jealous of the women who hadnâ€™t had the experience of a scare â€“ or a loss.Â I envied the way that they moved through their pregnancies, blissfully unaware that Mother Nature was a total bitch that could take it all away at any moment.
After an early miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, and a miscarriage the day before my 12-week ultrasound â€“ when I finally became pregnant again I was beyond terrified.
My doctor, in an attempt to ease my mind, offered ultrasounds every two weeks for the first three months of my pregnancy.Â I wouldnâ€™t recommend this.Â The ritual that was supposed to be relaxing me was actually making me a nervous wreck.Â On each visit I would look away from the screen, convinced that I wouldnâ€™t see the flickering light that indicated a tiny, beating heart.Â Each time, it would be there.Â Look, there it is, the doctor would beam.Â Yeah, for now, I would think.
After the bi-monthly ultrasounds came to end, I purchased an at-home fetal heart rate monitor.Â Daily, I snuck into our bedroom to perform this ritual.Â I say â€œsnuckâ€ because my husband had no idea that this was something I was doing every day.Â Iâ€™m pretty sure he thought it was something I did every couple of weeks â€“ the few times a month I would summon him to join me.Â I donâ€™t know why I hid this from him.Â Maybe because I knew it was obsessive.Â Maybe because I didnâ€™t want him to know how worried I was.Â Or maybe just because I didnâ€™t want him to think I was a total freak.
I spent hours on baby boards analyzing how women were feeling and acting.Â I didnâ€™t have any morning sickness.Â This would normally be a reason to rejoice, but for me it was an indication that something was definitely wrong.Â Why was I feeling so good when all of these other ladies were complaining constantly?
When women would share the ways in which they told their friends and families that they were pregnant, I would think, too early!Â Youâ€™re going to regret that. Â Daily, I would cynically judge their joy â€“ thinking they were too naive to understand that they werenâ€™t in the clear.Â When I stumbled upon an â€œIâ€™m outâ€ or â€œTrigger Warningâ€ post – which indicated that someone had miscarried â€“ I would avoid it as if just looking at the words would manifest the same horrible outcome for me.
I studied every weekly explanation of â€œhow your baby is growingâ€ that was offered on just about every pregnancy site on the Internet.Â At any moment, I could tell you which fruit my growing fetus most closely resembled and the ways in which all of his organs were developing.
Does this sound fun, at all?Â It wasnâ€™t.Â It was an effing nightmare.