giving birth

Are You There, Moms? It’s Me, Idiot Who Was With You In The Delivery Room?

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mom advice

Are You There, Moms? It’s Me, Idiot is an ongoing series dedicated to helping one very well-intentioned and dumb future-parent learn about the world of childrearing. Click here to see past columns.

We’ve been talking a lot about parenting over these last few Fridays, so I’m ready to delve into some grosser topics (birth). More specifically, I want to know who was with you, holding your hand and taking the verbal abuse when you delivered your children. I am of course, fully aware that not every mom gives birth to her children, so I hope you’ll pardon this one time exclusion.

While I have no idea how things will end up going for me, kids-wise, I’ve had a great deal of offers from people to accompany me to the delivery room–sisters, my mom, various cousins, friends, and a few really inappropriate acquaintances. This is the first time I’ve really thought about the logistics of birthing a human person, but I’ve realized something a bit odd. I have this weird hang up about my male impregnator being the room–for some reason I think I’ll hate all men the in the world while birthing and think he should be kept somewhere else, smoking a cigarette in the waiting room like on Mad Men. Of course, in reality I’ll probably want him to try to comfort me, and also to be there such that I can scream at him for putting this demon ripping it’s way through my vagina into me in the first place.

So who was with you when you delivered your babies? Were they helpful and supportive or did they make it worse (or, unbelievably, all about them)?

Photo: Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret