What Your Pottermore Patronus Reveals About the Horrible Thing Your Kids Are Going to Do to You Today
You’ve been sorted by the Sorting Hat and given your magic wand, and now J.K. Rowling’s Pottermore has finally released its new guide to figuring out what your Patronus is. Just take a quick, arcane survey and the forces of the universe will reveal what form your Patronus would take. (Mine is this weird little bird that sucks milk from goats. Thanks, Pottermore!)
A Patronus is a spell that produces a silvery animal guardian to protect the caster against Dementors. It is also a 100-percent scientific and accurate way of identifying what bizarre thing your child is going to do to you today. So once you find your Patronus, come back here and see your future.
You have a tough, fancy Patronus that’s just the same as Harry Potter’s! Aren’t you lucky? Well, you’ve got a cool Patronus, but your child is still going to steal your car this afternoon. Even if your child is 2.
J.K. Rowling’s Patronus is a heron, so you are in good company. Someday you too could be worth a billion dollars. Maybe that thought will give you some comfort when your child takes your phone and spends $3,600 on in-game purchases for Kim Kardashian Hollywood.
Hermione is the best character in Harry Potter, and her Patronus is an otter. This probably means you are smart and care about social justice. Your child, however, is definitely about to call the principal a cuntmuffin, and you’re going to have to deal with it, which is completely unfair because you did not call the principal a cuntmuffin. You haven’t called anyone a cuntmuffin in at least three weeks! Parenting is unfair.
Terriers are hardworking and loyal, and they will happily eat literally whatever you give them and look at you adoringly in gratitude. You should maybe get a terrier in real life, because your kid is definitely coming home vegan today. If they were already vegan, now they’ll be gluten-free, too. When you accommodate that with some delicious and healthful stir-fry, they will put their tongue on it, say “yuck,” and refuse anything that isn’t apple sauce.
Well aren’t you awesome? While you bask in the envious side-eye of everyone who picked a dumb Patronus like an aardvark, your child is stuffing a dead squirrel into the fancy backpack you just bought them.
Cats are elegant, sleek, and fastidious. They really hate it when people wipe their noses on their shirts, so I don’t want to tell you what’s going to happen to you today.
Look, I’m sorry to tell you this, but while you were calculating your Patronus, your kid found the secret cookies you were hiding to eat after they go to bed.
Bears are big and strong and can handle anything, but they’re not very good at tiny tasks requiring lots of manual dexterity. It’s going to suck when your kid sticks a Lego up their nose today, but it’ll be three weeks before you figure out what happened, so at least you’ll have some time to enjoy yourself.
Sorry, man. It’s lice for you. Lice all the way down.
Dragons are the coolest Patronus. They have a breath weapon! Unfortunately, so does your kid, who is about to projectile vomit right in your mouth.
You’re going to think you escaped the Patronus curse. Your kid did nothing gross or horrible all day! At least, that’s what you’ll think, but it won’t be true. Your kid will do something truly disgusting and horrible today, but you’re not going to find out for at least a month. At that point it will be too late to completely fix the car, or the rug, or grandma’s ashes, and all you’ll be able to do is shake your fist at the sky and wail, “Patronus!”