What Parents Really Do When The Kids Finally Go To Sleep
It starts innocently enough. You’re sitting in the dark, trying to think soothing thoughts and project them out of your body. You’re daydreaming about the half glass of wine you had three days ago. You’re pouring a mental 40 on the floor for the version of you who would have been drinking craft cocktails in the West Village until 2 a.m. and still have time to apply liquid eyeliner before work the next day just a couple short years ago. And then it happens … the kid’s eyes are closed.
You look at your partner … Can it be?
It looks just like this, but happens completely silently.
She is! She’s asleep!
Drink ’em if you’ve got ’em, guys.
Time to dig out the food the kids aren’t allowed to have.
When the kids go to bed it is time to break out the good stuff. Eff the organic fruit leather – you will eat pizza, and it will be hot and you will eat it siting down, with both hands like a goddamn grown-up. (The Queen gets to eat with two hands while sitting down, and so should you.)
Fire up the Netflix queue
I have a whole season of Game of Thrones burning a hole in my iTunes, and apparently it is not acceptable to allow a small child to watch Breaking Bad. It might warp her fragile little brain or something. The three hours after she falls asleep will be full of all the sex and violence and couch wine I can cram into them.
Intimate relations
Truth time: Evening time is scarce, so this will happen while Game of Thrones is on, or it won’t happen at all.
Oh no! The kid is up!
Just hold really still and maybe she won’t notice you.
False alarm, she was just sleepwalking. I don’t know, maybe ask the doctor about that later.
Whatever, she’s asleep and that is all that is important.
Maybe you should fit in that workout you’ve been planning.
Is today the day you break the seal on that prenatal yoga DVD you bought? No, no it is not.
It is time for the impossible luxury: Alone shower!!!
Bring the couch wine with you. Now it is shower wine.
Wait, why haven’t you heard from the baby?
Why is she sleeping so long!? Is she OK? She might be dead! Don’t panic! OK, Panic!
Oh no, one of you gave in and poked the baby to make sure she is OK.
Spoiler alert: She is.
And now she is more awake than you have been in a year.
That’s it, your fun party is over and the baby officially belongs to whoever delivered that fateful poke.
And you know it wasn’t you, because you are out of there.
GIFs: Giphy
