What Parents Really Do When The Kids Finally Go To Sleep

By  | 

It starts innocently enough. You’re sitting in the dark, trying to think soothing thoughts and project them out of your body. You’re daydreaming about the half glass of wine you had three days ago. You’re pouring a mental 40 on the floor for the version of you who would have been drinking craft cocktails in the West Village until 2 a.m. and still have time to apply liquid eyeliner before work the next day just a couple short years ago. And then it happens … the kid’s eyes are closed.

You look at your partner … Can it be? 

It looks just like this, but happens completely silently.

She is! She’s asleep! 

Drink ’em if you’ve got ’em, guys.

Time to dig out the food the kids aren’t allowed to have.

When the kids go to bed it is time to break out the good stuff. Eff the organic fruit leather – you will eat pizza, and it will be hot and you will eat it siting down, with both hands like a goddamn grown-up. (The Queen gets to eat with two hands while sitting down, and so should you.)

Pages: 1 2