100 Things You Cannot Do When You’re Pregnant

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If sperm has gotten anywhere near your egg, then you know pregnancy is a drag. Some women claim that they truly enjoy being pregnant, and I believe them (WINK!). The rest of us can agree that pregnancy is just a means to an end.

I’d probably be okay with it if it weren’t for all the RULES. You can’t even look at sushi sideways without being pregnancy-shamed. If you’re not well-acquainted with the many, many pregnancy don’ts, here are 100 things that you absolutely cannot do while pregnant:

  1. Drink wine.
  2. Drink beer.
  3. Drink liquor.
  4. Drink coffee.
  5. Drink caffeinated tea.
  6. Drink herbal tea.
  7. Drink caffeinated soda.
  8. Drink diet soda.
  9. Drink from BPA plastic water bottles.
  10. Drink eggnog.
  11. Drink unpasteurized juice.
  12. Drink from the toilet.
  13. Breathe in wood smoke.
  14. Sniff a permanent marker.
  15. Do whippets.
  16. Smoke tobacco.
  17. Smoke marijuana.
  18. Smoke anything smokable you can think of.
  19. Be exposed to secondhand smoke.
  20. Be exposed to lead.
  21. Use illegal drugs.
  22. Take Accutane.
  23. Take most medications (first trimester).
  24. Take some antibiotics.
  25. Take migraine medication.
  26. Take sleeping pills.
  27. Take natural remedies.
  28. Eat too little.
  29. Eat too much.
  30. Gain too much weight.
  31. Gain too little weight.
  32. Undergo stress.
  33. Clean with chemicals.
  34. Spray pesticides.
  35. Paint.
  36. Scoop cat litter.
  37. Handle rodent droppings.
  38. Get a tattoo.
  39. Get a piercing.
  40. Get a pedicure.
  41. Get your acrylic nails did.
  42. Get a body wrap.
  43. Get laser hair removal.
  44. Get electrolysis.
  45. Get Botox.
  46. Color your hair.
  47. Get a perm.
  48. Get an x-ray.
  49. Spend too much time in the sun.
  50. Soak in a hot tub.
  51. Take a really hot bath.
  52. Sit in a steam room.
  53. Use a tanning bed.
  54. Douche.
  55. Sleep on your back.
  56. Sleep on your stomach.
  57. Sleep in public.
  58. Sleep under a bridge.
  59. Stay up late.
  60. Do sit-ups.
  61. Do yard work.
  62. Fertilize the yard.
  63. Try a new exercise.
  64. Ski.
  65. Bowl.
  66. Ice skate.
  67. Ride a bike.
  68. Hang glide.
  69. Scuba dive.
  70. Ride a roller coaster.
  71. Ride bumper cars.
  72. Joy ride.
  73. Go to a loud concert.
  74. Start your pro wrestling career.
  75. Lift weights.
  76. Rob a bank.
  77. Exercise intensely.
  78. Have sex intensely.
  79. Blow air into the vagina during oral sex (Yes, this is REAL).
  80. Blow air into the vagina for any other reason.
  81. Wear high heels.
  82. Wear boots with the fur.
  83. Fly (third trimester).
  84. Travel overseas (third trimester).
  85. Vacation at a high altitude.
  86. Work overtime.
  87. Work without breaks.
  88. Work on your feet.
  89. Reach for things on high shelves.
  90. Heavy lifting.
  91. Move furniture.
  92. Pick up a toddler.
  93. Open doors for yourself.
  94. Stand on a subway/train.
  95. Sit for hours.
  96. Get a live vaccine.
  97. Give blood.
  98. Donate a kidney.
  99. Take birth control.
  100. Get pregnant.

(Image: Paul Schlemmer/Shutterstock)