mom fun

If You’re Pregnant With Your Second Kid, Congratulations, You’re A MILF

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shutterstock_51511708Sometimes I get all down in the dumps about how I will never achieve MILF status, based on the fact that I literally wear yoga pants every single day of my life. But then I realized something AMAZING that brightened my day and may brighten yours too if you have more than one kid.

First, let’s define MILF for those who are new to the party. The ever-trusted Urban Dictionary says that a MILF is:

“Mother I’d Like (to) Fuck”

Mothers, whether married, separated or divorced, that a male individual sees as physical attractive enough to want to have sexual intercourse with them. Just cuz their moms doesn’t mean that they don’t need a spark in their love life. If they’ve ever breastfed, they have really responsive nipples and a core of erectile tissue in their breasts. The ones in good shape have worked at regaining control over their vaginas (Kegel exercises).MILFs are usually real careful about birth control, they know accidents happen but they take responsible steps.

That whole definition has me lolling, though I’m still not sure I fit the criteria. But now I feel a lot better about my weird breastfeeding nipples because who knew that they were so responsive and sensitive now, according to some rando guy on Urban Dictionary? My life is forever changed. I will also admit that I have done many, many kegel exercises under the instruction of my midwife, which perhaps earns me a MILF gold star.

And don’t even get me started on birth control! If being “really careful” with birth control makes you a MILF, then I am the MILFiest of all MILFs in town. I’ve done my duty, I’ve paid my dues, I’ve pushed out two babies, and I never want to do it again. My birth control vigilance borderlines on vasectomy failure paranoia, but that’s another topic altogether.

So, the moral of the story is this. It’s easy to get down in the dumps after having a baby and looking at your squishy postpartum belly day after day. But the good news is that if you are pregnant with your second child or have several kids, you are technically a MILF. Some kind of effing went on, and somebody must have liked it in order for you to get pregnant for a second time. MILF status was achieved the moment you procreated again.

In all seriousness, it can be tough to get your self-esteem back when and if you ever get your post-baby body back. It’s all fun and games to joke about being a MILF, but the reality is that most of us aren’t going to look like JLo after having a baby. Feeling sexually desirable again after birth may not come naturally, but you will get there. You also have the added bonus of responsive nipples and a toned vag, thanks to all those kegels you have been doing. There is an upside to being a mom.

(Image: SFC/Shutterstock)