Childrearing

12 Thoughts You Will Have In The First 24 Hours After Bringing Home Your New Baby

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7. Every weird mom thing your mom used to say.

“If you do not go to sleep I am going to sell you to the gypsies. Oh shit, that’s really racist! I can’t believe my mom used to say that. If you do not go to sleep I am going to sell you on the Internet.”

8. I’m sorry! I am the worst mother ever.

I’m sorry I said I’d sell you on the Internet! The Internet is the worst thing in the world and everyone on it wants to hurt you. Never go on the Internet, baby!

9. Is my milk ever going to come in?

It’s supposed to be in on the third day, right? The baby is starting to want to eat for real now. What if it’s not getting enough food? How do I know if I’m starving the baby? Wait, what if it’s allergic to peanuts or gluten? Please don’t make us go gluten-free, baby.

10. How am I not disgusted by all this poop?

Hormones are a hell of a drug.

11. Is it too early for wine?

If the milk doesn’t come in, there’s no reason to not have a bottle of wine right now, right?

12. When do I have to baby proof the house?

That’s a thing people do, right? Nobody told me to do it. When does it have to be done?

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