Childrearing

12 Thoughts You Will Have In The First 24 Hours After Bringing Home Your New Baby

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You can read all the books and all the websites, but once the baby has left your body, you’re on your own. Nothing can prepare you for that moment when you suddenly realize you have a baby in your house. Here are 12 thoughts you will have in the first 24 hours.

1. I can’t believe they just let me leave with this.

Do they really know you have this? You don’t know anything. There should really be a better system of checks and balances in place to stop this from happening.

2. Oh shit, I touched the soft spot!

Crap. You almost certainly deformed the infant’s brain. (That’s not true. The baby is fine. The soft spot is freaky and disturbing, but it’s not actually that fragile.)

3. Is the umbilical cord stump supposed to look like that? 

I don’t think I know what an infection looks like.

4. Oh good, it’s time for bed!

Time to put your adorable bundle in her little, cutely decorated sleep spot for the night. In the morning you will do so much fun stuff.

5. Wait, why won’t the baby sleep?  

The baby slept for the past 24 hours straight. The baby falls asleep within 10 seconds of getting on a nipple and won’t wake up no matter how many times you poke it. But somehow it magically wakes up the second you put it in its crib. WTF is going on here? Did you miss a chapter in What to Expect?

6. The baby has to sleep eventually, right? 

Statistically speaking, the baby does have to sleep eventually. Clearly there is a system to this. Maybe googling it would help.

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