5 Things That Are Going To Go Horribly Wrong With The Bionic Bra

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bionicIn yet another example of scientists developing something that we all guess is an okay idea but didn’t really need to become anybody’s full-time job, researchers in Australia have developed a bionic bra. “Thanks?” said women everywhere.

Motivated by the fact that 85% of women wear the wrong size bra, researchers at Breast Research Australia (or, BRA, because sometimes God gives us presents) decided to make a bra that can, essentially, re-size itself. From CNN:

Researchers…have developed a prototype sports bra that they say automatically tightens when it senses breast movement, offering customized support that could reduce back pain and other health problems.


…The idea is that the bra could offer firm support while its wearer is walking or running and then relax to a more comfortable fit when she’s sitting still.

Like unzipping your pants after a big meal. I love it. And you’d get to see everyone’s boobs exhale when at rest, which could also be a lot of fun.

The example of the bra shown in the above photo is being called “a crude prototype,” which is a relief because that is some serious double-snap boob-binding. The way it works is that the bra is made with “‘smart’ yarn containing sensors that detect breast motion.” Ok. That doesn’t clear things up for me at all, but I’ll go ahead and take Science’s word for it.

I am a firm believer that sometimes, just because you can make something easier doesn’t mean you can make it better, and that some things should be left just as they are. (On a side note, I am 100-years-old.) While I am all for progress, I don’t know that I want that progress anywhere near my nipples. I predict disaster in the following ways:

1. All work and no play wears bionic bras out.



Boobs move a lot. That’s a lot of clenching and unclenching. I’m not sure how sensitive these sensors are supposed to be, but if the general public’s boobs move around as much as mine do, those bras are going to feel less like support and more like your first boyfriend after the middle school dance.

2. There will definitely be a fire.



There is no way one of these bras isn’t going to go up in flames. I mean, there is a 0% chance that that will not happen.

3. Welcome to a whole new level of invasion at airport security.

jim (Jetset Times)

You think it’s a pain in the ass taking off your belt and your shoes?

4. Women will be unable to stop making those noises from The 6 Million Dollar Man while they’re walking in order to delight themselves and amuse their friends.




And that’s going to be the best joke ever. Sorry, serious bra designers.

5. You’ll need to sign a waiver before washing your bra.



I have enough to worry about in my life without adding “electrocution from dirty bra” to the list.

So you early adopters can go ahead and strap on Squeezy McDeatherson. I’m going to stick with cotton.

(Photo: Twitter)