My Labor Was Just Like A Kooky Birth Scene From A Romantic Comedy — Unfortunately

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My phone starts ringing again. I see that it’s my new landlord. He’s just bought the building and is trying to raise our rent by NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS. I had told him a few days prior that I was about to give birth, not working, and definitely couldn’t afford that. I let the call go to voicemail. For some reason, I decide to listen to it.

Maria, it’s your landlord. We are sending another eviction notice, this time certified mail. You can’t ignore this. Please advise.

If there’s a more annoying phrase in the English language than “please advise,” I have yet to hear it. My phone rings again. It’s my landlord again. It rings again, and again. He’s chosen today of all days to be a douchebag from hell.

I call my sister again, because she is very good in high-stress situations.

Me: Hi. Mom is crying and praying. My husband is fucking walking here from Manhattan. And now my landlord won’t stop calling me. Will you please call him and let him know that I am going to stab him in the face, repeatedly, if he doesn’t stop calling me WHILE I’M TRYING TO GIVE BIRTH TO THIS DAMN BABY!

Sister: Yes, I will.

And she does. And threatens him in ways that I can’t even fathom, because he actually never calls me again. I actually think she convinced him we were a mob family. My husband finally arrives and this calms my mother down enough for her to stop crying and praying momentarily. Things take a bad turn with my son’s heart rate and I am rushed into surgery. But less than an hour later I give birth to the most beautiful child ever born.

Yes, men lose their minds when women give birth. But so does everybody else.

(photo: Vivid Pixels / Shutterstock)

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