10 Of My Very Best Tips For Being A Parent Because You’re Probably Doing It Wrong

I’ve raised three kids and had the honor of partially raising another, in the form of a beautiful bonus son. My eldest is 17, soon he will be off to college and he has never been arrested or broken anything of great value in my home (YET) so I think I know a few things about raising ‘dem ‘dere chilluns. I don’t know everything, no one does, except that one super old lady you see walking down the street with a giant pink hat talking to herself, that woman knows EVERYTHING, but I do know some things. A few. And because I care so deeply about all of you, and because sometimes I worry that you all are doing this wrong, I shall share this knowledge with you. Maybe it will help, maybe it will help one day, but at least one of these will prove useful in the future. Trust me, I’m a professional. (As in professional mom type person who learned a few things over the years raising kids and not having any of them arrested and nothing of great value broken in my home. YET.)

The Most Important And Valuable Piece Of Baby Advice EVER 

Sleep when the baby sleeps. This goes for fathers too. I don’t care how many dishes are piled in the sink. I don’t care how many baskets of laundry are threatening to take over your laundry room. I don’t care if all you have in your refrigerator is a skanky bottle of mustard and a lemon half that is shriveled and grey. This is why there are takeout places. Sleep when the baby sleeps. This is your MOST important job as a new parent. Turn off your phone. Put a sign on your door for any well wishers bearing diaper cakes and casseroles. They can leave these things on the stoop. As soon as the baby falls asleep, go to bed.

Water Will Pretty Much Solve Everything 

I don’t care if they are nine days or 99 years old, if someone in your house is cranky or fussy into the bath they go. A warm bath can pretty much solve everything. It makes little kids drowsy and crabby kids less crabby. It makes your partner relax after a bad day. It makes you get thirty minutes away from your partner if they are complaining about a bad day. Into the bath with everyone.

“Thank You” Can Be Code For ‘Shut The ____ Up” 

You will encounter well-meaning people who give you advice on how to raise your kids. How to feed them, dress them, raise them, discipline them. On occasion, this advice will come from someone you don’t feel like getting into it with. Like your mother. Or mother-in-law. Or employer. You are under no obligation to take their advice, or argue your point, or state your case. You can simply say thank you. And change the subject. Example:

Mother-In-Law: Are you sure Betty is eating enough? Maybe you should switch to formula? 

You: Thank you. Have you planted any new annuals this year? I always love your garden. 

On the Other Hand, You Are Under No Obligation Not To Say Shut The ____ Up

You feel like getting into it? Do it. People who love you will never hate you for expressing your opinion. People who have no vested interest in your reality have no place telling you what to do with your reality. There is no written law that says you have to be nice all the time. You are allowed to lose your shizz on people who deserve it. Especially when it comes to how you are raising your kids. Or, and I hate these sort of namby-pamby motivational poster text thingies, but I do love me this one:

(Image: Pinterest) 

No One Ever Died From Having Breakfast Cereal For Dinner On Occasion

You don’t feel like cooking? Don’t cook. Cereal. Sandwiches. Delivery pizza. You aren’t Martha Stewart.

And That Being Said, No One Ever Died Wishing They Spent More Time On Their Cell Phone

Turn it off. Shut it down. Every Facebook status update is talking about what someone ate, what they are going to eat, and what the weather is like. Everything beautiful and amazing is happening away from all of the screens. You can update your status and check your E-mail tomorrow.

 This Too Shall Pass 

Sleep problems. Teething. Tantrums. All of these things can make parents want to crawl into a very large hole in their backyard and hide for a few months, but keep in mind, that this too shall pass. And before you know it, your kid will be experiencing some other totally normal behavioral or growth milestone that will make you wish you were still dealing with the previous one.

 It Is Your Life Too 

Your kids and your partner can be the most important things in your life. That is fine. But remember you. You are a human with feelings and wants and needs and your own brain and body and soul and heart. You are allowed to acknowledge this. You are allowed to make mistakes, and have moods, and buy things that have absolutely nothing to do with whatever piece of plastic is featured prominently on the shelf at Target for ages three to six. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to put your foot down. You are allowed to take time for yourself away from those that love you and do things strictly for you. Whether that is joining a book club or sitting in a dark bar drinking a glass of wine for an hour while you feed quarters into the jukebox and play the same Pretenders song over and over. Don’t forget you. 

Unless Someone Is Paying To Employ You As A Maid You Are Not A Maid 

Just because someone was born with a vagina does not mean they have some magical super power that allows them to instinctually know how to wash dishes and mop floors. Everyone who lives where you live helps where you live. I don’t care how old they are, if they are old enough to toddle they are old enough to put a toy car into a bin. Everyone helps. Everyone shares housework. Period.

These Are The Best Days Of Your Life 

These are your salad days, people. And they really do go by so fast. That life that you dream of is now. Stay up playing stupid games with your kids until you can’t keep your eyes open. Kiss people you love until your mouth is sore. Find animals and be really nice to them. Put ridiculous things in pancakes. Paint your toenails a truly atrocious color. Better yet, let your kids paint them. Laugh too loud. Try not to say things you can’t take back. Help others when you can. Hug your kids until your arms ache.

(Image: Subversive Crossstitch, which you can buy right here)