I Don’t Have The Time To Get An Actual Facial, Let Alone Give My Vagina One

By  | 

shutterstock_93803461__1365347975_70.118.110.28So, vagina facials are a thing now. They’re called “vajacials.” Great. Another spa treatment I won’t be able to make time for.

I’m about to give birth to my second child. It occurred to me last week when I was getting a pedicure, how long it took me to get to the salon after the birth of my son. I’m not kidding. I know some women insist that having a child doesn’t mess up their schedule at all – but my newborn wasn’t very accommodating.

Now, in addition to the pedicures, manicures, and facials I won’t be getting – I can add another spa treatment to my “to do” list: the vajacial. From ABC News:

In many ways, it resembles a facial. The 50-minute procedure begins with a cleanse and anti-bacterial wash of the bikini area, Goldman said, and is followed by a papaya enzyme mask that gets rid of skin cells that trap hairs. Next, comes extraction. In the same way that a facial extracts goo from the pores on your face, a Vajacial extracts ingrown hairs with a pair of tweezers. Finally, another mask is applied. At Stript Wax, there are four choices, one of which is specifically geared toward correcting discoloration.

Vaginal ingrown hair extraction? No thanks. I’m one of those people that plans a whole day around going to the spa. I actually like to enjoy it. I always end up spending way more money than I should because I have to find the swankiest places with the fluffiest robes and cucumber water. I want relaxation. I want luxury. I don’t want someone examining my vagina for “discoloration.” Good God. Even our vaginas have to look perfect now? Stop the insanity.

Women who have regular Brazilian waxes find the vajacial to be a “lifesaver.” It apparently helps with the red bumps and ingrown hairs that can sometimes appear after a Brazilian. Clearly I don’t have this problem either. If I don’t want a woman getting near my vagina with a pair of tweezers, you can bet your ass no one is coming near it with a vat of hot wax.

To all you ladies that will be getting this treatment – enjoy. When I find the time I’ll be relaxing with some cucumber water and a deep tissue massage instead.

(Jochen Schoenfeld/