stay home mom

5 Luxurious Vacations For Stay At Home Parents Who Ain’t Flying Nowhere No Time Soon

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Woman hugs empty grocery cartStay at home parents rarely get any kind of meaningful breaks in their days. There’s no lunch break, no adult conversation, and no quiet. Even “vacations” aren’t really vacations, because you’re bringing the kids and therefore taking your job with you. So I have come up with a few vacation packages designed for the parent who just can’t get away. Ever. For even a second.

The Solo Grocery Store Trip Package

Imagine yourself parking your car and walking straight into a store. You select a cart that doesn’t have a car attached to the front and a poor turning radius. Then, see yourself strolling down the aisles, considering which apples are the best ones, or whether you want to try that new brand of cheese. Sounds impossible? It’s not with my Solo Grocery Store Trip Package. We’ll get your partner home from work or bring the grandparents into town just for the occasion. You’ll get to experience the ease of shopping without fear of glass bottles being pulled off the shelves or having to touch things in the grocery store bathroom. It’s a supermarket paradise that can be all your from Bland Tours.

The Closed Car Door Package

Silence. It’s a rare commodity when you’re a stay at home parent. It’s even rarer when you can force silence upon your children without using threats or screaming but by simply closing a car door on their adorable little faces. In the Closed Car Door Package, you get to experience the slam of peace that comes when your screaming kids are inside the car, and you shut the door behind them. In an instant, you can suddenly hear the birds chirping and the wind blowing through the leaves as you slowly make your way around the car to the driver’s side door. If you buy a package now, I will include on-coming traffic, which will allow you to remain behind your car for a few extra, quiet seconds.

The Shave And A Haircut Package

Eventually, you have to do some kind of upkeep on the head hair. But with the Shave And A Haircut package, what was just another errand to run is now a spa day. Picture yourself walking into a room that smells nice and contains zero Legos. ZERO. You are welcomed in, and another person washes your hair for you while you lay back and relax. And if that wasn’t decadent enough, you then sit in another chair where your hair is cut and shaped to make you look less weird and then blown dry for an effect you will never be able to replicate at home. You’ll drift away from the warmth and hum of the blow dryer as you read People Magazine without any shame.

The Bedtime Package

Just you, a glass of wine, and three hours of Scandal. Forget the afterlife, you’re already in heaven! This popular and unpredictable vacation package is available beginning at 6pm every night of the year except for major holidays and post-scary movies. Also, package hours are subject to change without notice due to dehydration, uneven sheets, or extra cuddles. But sometimes, a half-hour long vacation is all you need.

The Sick With Relaxation Package

My most affordable package. For a small fee, I will come to your house and give you a cold (transmission method to be determined upon payment). Sure, you’ll feel like hell, but you’ll also be ordered to bed where you’ll get high on Nyquil and fall into a drippy sleep. When forced to leave your bed, you can blissfully half-ass everything because, you know, you’re sick. There’ll be no elaborate dinners or hours of story time as you loudly blow your nose and groan from the couch. Enjoy an early bedtime as you surrender to the heaven that is being horizontal.

So, which one can I sign you up for?