If you’re pregnant and are making a registry, I have to warn you not to get sucked down the rabbit hole before it’s too late. Creating a baby registry is so seductive. It’s probably the most fun thing you will do throughout your entire nine months of pregnancy””except for binge-eating ice cream out of the carton as you stand in front of the cool, cool refrigerator because you can’t stop sweating in the middle of winter. Ah, pregnancy.
The good thing about a baby registry is that you can delete and add items at any time. If your registry is extra-long and extra-fancy, you may want to peruse this handy-dandy list I’ve put together for you. Some baby products are dumb. Some baby products are expensive and aren’t worth the money. Some baby products seem like the latest technological innovation handed down from aliens on high, when they are really stupid pieces of crap that will break within two weeks.
I can tell you from personal experience that these “cool” baby products won’t make your life any easier as a new parent:
1. Baby Bullet
I thought the Baby Bullet was the best thing ever invented, until I realized I could just use a blender.
2. Baby Food Storage System
Slop the extra baby food into an old Tupperware like the rest of the lazy parents out there.
3. Baby Bumbo
I own one, but we barely used it with both kids.
4. Baby Wipe Warmer
Your baby’s ass can handle a slightly less than room temperature wipe as you scrub shit off his back.
5. Baby Sound Machine
You could waste 40 bucks on this special baby sound machine, or you could just turn on an old fan for white noise.
6. Crib Bedding Set
What is this, the Marriott? Both of my kids sleep prison-style with a sheet and a blanket.
7. Baby Bathtub
Baby bathtubs are oh-so-cute, but you can actually fill up a regular bathtub with 1 inch of water for the same effect.
8. Baby Changing Pad
I may be the laziest person alive, but I’ve never used a baby changing pad or table. A towel on the floor or bed works just fine.
9. Pee-Pee TeePee
Sounds adorable, but you can just throw a washcloth over your baby boy’s wang to prevent a surprise spray when you change his diaper.
10. Infrared Baby Thermometer
You could buy this super fancy infrared baby thermometer for $80 to play doctor at home, or you could get a regular ear thermometer for 70 bucks less and call it a day.