Looking To Pinch Some Pennies? Try One Of These Unusual Money Saving Ideas!

Saving money sounds easy … in theory. You just don’t spend it, right? Squirrel it away in a savings account or under your mattress or whatever. But you know what makes saving money difficult? All the cool things you could spend it on instead. Who wants to save for a rainy day when you can buy ridiculous Mary Poppins wellies to wear on that rainy day?! Nobody, that’s who. But we’re grown-ups or whatever, and everyone tells us to be responsible and money-wise and blah blah blah. Being an adult sucks for lots of reason, and this is one of them. If you have a hard time saving, you might need to resort to some … unusual money saving ideas. We’re not saying they’ll work, but we’re not saying they won’t work, either! This is a great time of year to try anything, right?

This time of year, it feels like money just flies out of your wallet at an alarming rate. You’ve got parties and holidays and gifts to buy. It’s a rough season for the financially unprepared! If you’re looking to save some cash this year, try one of these unusual money saving ideas. Are they smart ideas? LOL no. Are they funny and will they distract you from your lack of funds? Absolutely. It helps to laugh when you check your bank account and all it does is laugh at you. Keeps the tears away, we hear!

Unusual money saving ideas may just be the answer to your poor prayers. I mean, it couldn’t hurt, right? Get your gardening gloves out.

Or plant an entire jar of pennies, and watch your dividends grow! All else fails, you can sell your unicorn on the black market for a quick buck. And this amazing trick can apply to pretty much anything! Out of wine? Plant some grapes in your yard. Chip stash running low? Potatoes, duh. Need a new sweater for that holiday party? Try planting an Anthro catalog, see what happens! The thing about unusual money saving ideas is that you have to think outside of the box. Really far outside of it. You really shouldn’t even be able to see the box from where you’re thinking. The box should be a dot to you!

Stealing from children is surprisingly easy!

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After all, your hard-earned money bought those snacks! Why should you have to spend more money on food for yourself when you can just take back that which is rightfully yours? Let the kids eat Saltines, they don’t know what’s good for them anyway. Or better yet, just toss a handful of carrots at them, they should be eating healthier anyway. You can buy a huge bag of ugly carrots for cheap. The only drawback I can see here is that kids usually don’t have very tasty snacks. But hey, if eating NumNums for lunch saves you $10 a day, WORTH IT.

Unusual money saving ideas: Never go out alone, and always forget your wallet.

Blame your forgetfulness on the stress of being cash-poor. Of course, you can always blame it on your poor nutrition, on account of eating stolen baby snacks everyday. Eventually, your friends will stop inviting you out, because let’s face it, no one wants to be friends with a mooch. But the silver lining of that is that you’ll have fewer gifts to buy during the holiday season! Friends are great, but they’re expensive. Don’t money pros always talk about cutting out unnecessary expenses? Well, there you go. When you’re trying to pinch pennies, friends are an unnecessary expense. Snip, snip!

Hey, family can be expensive too!

Make a list of all your racist relatives on Facebook. Then, start posting a bunch of memes about letting refugees in and kneeling during the National Anthem. Next, tag allllllllll those relatives in those memes. Finally, watch the magic unfold. Let’s be honest, what were you really going to buy for your Aunt Karen who donated all her money to building the wall? Sure, you could buy her a knock-off LEGO set designed for racists. But really, you want to save that $30 and spend it in yourself! Or donate it to a charity she’d hate, then send her a thank you card. That would be fun and definitely worth spending that money.

Some unusual money saving ideas are practical AND good for your health!

We could all use a little more exercise, right? And obviously, none of us want to actually face our problems like mature, functional adults. So rather than throw money away on a gym membership, just run as fast as you can from any and all responsibility! Run from commitment, run from tough decisions, run from your crazy family and all their wacky demands. You’ll save so much money, and eventually you might even lose a few of those stubborn pounds that were hanging onto your hips! You’ll kill two birds with one stone. And then collect their carcasses and cook and eat them, obviously.

Cats are surprisingly thrifty creatures.

Just be forewarned: cats are also assholes, and I wouldn’t put it past one to somehow log onto Amazon and spend your wad on 25 pounds of catnip. Also, it’s probably not a good idea to get a pet if you’re trying to save money. While they’re definitely cheaper than having a baby, they still have needs you’re supposed to meet or whatever. They eat a lot, they need clean places to poop, and it one of them eats your expensive blending brush, they’ll need to go to the vet. Or the pound. Probably the vet first though. And did you know vets don’t take IOUs? It’s so incredibly rude.

More unusual money saving ideas: Make the leap year your bitch!

Awwwww baby, I didn’t get you anything for our anniversary because we only have one every 4 years. But also, if you REALLY want to save some money, don’t get married at all! Spouses also need food and gifts, and weddings are expensive. You have to PAY for people to come to your wedding! Just so they can give you a set of spatulas or whatever and then gorge themselves on the expensive food and drink you provided. Skip dating, throw the whole boyfriend or girlfriend in the trash, and save all your money for yourself. You may be lonely, but you’ll be lonely with nice things.

Some unusual money saving ideas really put a damper on your social life.

Listen, we’re sure you can find a bunch of other ways to pinch pennies before you go and do something this extreme. Yes yes, drugs can be a little pricey. You can buy marijuana a lot of places now, but it’s still not free (that’ll be the day!). Maybe you need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds to function on a daily basis. You need to spend money on those for the good of humanity and everyone who has to interact with you. And we’re supposed to not spend money on things like wine and vodka?! We suppose you can make your own, don’t they do that in prison? Google probably has a decent toilet hooch recipe.

Those delivery charges are where they get you, so tell them to suck it.

See, they make everything too big to drive home yourself, thereby forcing you to pay their outlandish delivery fees! If Ross could pivot that couch up two flights of stairs, there’s no reason you can’t find a way to get your new fridge home on your own. Why should you pay $100 for the pleasure of getting your item home? Delivery should be included! In fact, they should pay YOU for the privilege of delivering your item. Additional money saving tip: enlist a friend to help you move stuff, then “forget” your wallet when it’s time to pitch in for gas and food.

Fuck pants, who needs them?

Honestly, every cartoon character who doesn’t wear pants is flush. They’re onto something. Because pants are a money trap. First, you have to buy them, probably more than one pair. Then you need shoes and tops to go with them, because you probably don’t have anything that looks cute with your new pants. You’re supposed to wash them, on occasion? So you have to spend money on detergent, water, and electricity. Which is bullshit. Skip the pants entirely and save yourself the money. Also, no one will want to be your friend if you constantly leave the house without pants, which takes care of going out and spending more money!

Great idea, depending on how much your black soul is worth.

If you still have one, you probably don’t need it. I hear they fetch a pretty penny in some parts of the world. Like kidneys! Surely you can find a black market for souls somewhere in the seedy underbelly of the interwebs. Maybe you can set up an auction on Ebay for it? People do that for electronics and collectibles and virginity, right? A soul would get a nice bidding war going, and you could probably make a mint on yours (assuming you don’t have any bad karma attached to it). Throw in all your pants to sweeten the pot, and people will be begging to throw their money at you!

It works for birds. Listen, we didn’t say our unusual money saving ideas wouldn’t be gross.

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They’re going to complain about what you serve no matter what, so don’t waste your money on non-chewed food. Plus, you’ve stolen all their snacks at this point. So really, you’ll just be giving them what they want! If they want those chips or cookies, well, they’ll have to deal with them being served in this manner. You can easily turn one portion into enough to feed your whole family once it’s been regurgitated. When you feed your kids this way, they won’t be able to complain about the food. Who can tell what you’re eating when it’s all a mushy mess? Broccoli, turkey, potatoes, doesn’t matter. All looks the same coming up.

Febreeze is cheap, water and detergent are not.

Buy a Tide Pen and some fabric refresher, and no one will be the wiser. Running a load of laundry when your clothes get “dirty” is just too expensive to do all the time. What are you, made of money?! You can get a lot of wear out of each outfit if you’re careful. Don’t eat food, only drink water, stay away from smokers and cars that spew exhaust. Don’t go out in the summer when it’s hot and your pits stink. Pretty much don’t do anything, stay home, save even more money! Better yet, don’t wear clothes, sit around naked in your home all day, use a blanket when you get cold. Admire your closet full of clean clothes and count all the money you’ll save.

High in fat, very filling.

When you’re poor, you resort to things like cannibalism. It’s fine. You have to be resourceful, and sometimes that means stepping out of your comfort zone. Little squeamish? You’ll get over it when you see your bank account balance grow. You can even regurgitate the rich and feed them to your kids, like we mentioned above! Just remember to eat naked, so you don’t get your clothes dirty. Blood is pretty hard to get out of most fabrics, and you’ll regret spending all the money you saved by eating a rich person on dry cleaning. Remember, we’re thinking so far outside the box, the box is a dot.

Psssssh, who has Walmart money these days?!

No judgement at the Dollar Palace. All are welcome. We’ve got Walmart tastes on a Dollar Tree budget, and we’re not afraid to say it! Walmart may claim to be inexpensive, but is everything there a dollar? No? Then they are lying. There’s cheap, and then there’s CHEAP. Sure, you might save a few bucks shopping at Walmart, but not nearly as much as you’d save shopping in a store where everything cost a buck. You could even go a little hog wild and buy food for your kids! When it’s a dollar, it’s OK. We’ll leave Walmart to the rich people. Let them fatten up on that real food before we eat them.

Let other people spend money on you!

Everyone loves when guests drop in unexpectedly, right? And no one has the heart to turn them away. Pop up at a friend’s house, don’t even think about turning down coffee, overstay your welcome by several hours and kindly accept their dinner invite. Shower at their house when they’re cooking and otherwise distracted. Sneak over your laundry and hide it in the dirty clothes hampers around the house (you can collect it during your next unannounced visit). Bring a toothbrush and use their toiletries. Steal their jeans and replace them with your dirty ones. Eat the free food and take all the leftovers. It’s so simple.

The equivalent of having kids is literally setting fire to a giant pile of money. Honestly, this isn’t even one of the most unusual money saving ideas.

Disposable income, who needs it?! We’re fine spending all our money on school and activities and food and toys and clothes and shit. It’s fine. WE’RE FINE. We love our kids, they’re darling and sweet and all that jazz. But they are expensive as hell. They always need stuff. It’s like they come into this world with the sole purpose of spending all your money. Even if you make them wear the same clothes all the time and regurgitate their food, they still need stuff like medicine and health care and whatever. It’s kind of a racket, to be honest.

Hopefully one of these unusual money saving ideas bears fruit for you! Unless you already have kids. Then sorry, you’re fucked.

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