15 Household Items That Can Double As Baby Names

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unique-baby-name-ideasBaby names are one of my most favorite topics in the whole world, because I am constantly astounded at the number of completely idiotic names that people give their kids. 

From time immemorial-or really just since people started naming their babies Nevaeh-it seems like parents everywhere are trying to out-unique one another, desperately naming their offspring after various cheeses and ethically sourced vegetables and grains. According to the Social Security Administration’s list of 2013 names, posted on nameberry, there were 1,400 names that were given to five or more kids in 2013, meaning that the following passive aggressive displays of hatred towards babies are not one off occurrences: Subaru, Pistol, Kyndle, and Charger.

We ran out of names, everyone, okay? Your child will not be unique so long as there are 63 Vanellopes running around, so maybe its time to reevaluate our collective name burdening bestowing strategy. Inspired by 2013’s little Kyndles and Chargers, here are the top 15 household items that you can use to name your little bundle of joy. I made it by glancing around the room and just naming stuff I saw there:

1. Sofa


To set your child apart from all of those dumb Sofias.

2. Vacuum

“V” names are so exotic.

3. Carpyt 


You can add a “Y” to set yourself apart from uncreative poseurs.

4. Knife


Hopefully little Knife will grow up to marry Pistol and you’ll end up with a grandchild named Machete.

5. Lamp 


Who doesn’t love lamp, really?

6. Chandelier



7. Dust


It’s a good dystopic name. Dystopic names are so hot right now.

8. Table


A sturdy, stable name.

9. Window


You could pretend you came up with this for deep reasons. I recommend reading old LiveJournal poetry about windows.

10. Clock


Snatch this up before Sarah Palin does.

11. Blender


A name like Blender will instill resilience in your child, which is the greatest gift you can give them.

12. Spatula


You could emphasize the second syllable and tell people it’s Spah-choo-lah.

13. Cabinet/Cabinette


Lie and say this is French.

14. Mantle

You can change this to a girl’s name by spelling it “Mantelle”

15. Riahc 

This is chair…spelled backwards.

(Image: Ozaichin/Shutterstock)