Unbearable: I’m Not Pregnant, But I’m Going To Be Okay

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Having a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

Infertility is depressing. It’s difficult, scary, frustrating and a whole lot of depressing. When I speak (or write) about my struggles trying to conceive, it’s hard not to focus on all those scary and upsetting feelings that come with it. I find myself detailing the frustration and anxiety, sharing sad stories of the months that failed. After more than a year and a half of negative results, I figure that I’ve spent at least 20 evenings curled up in a ball, cursing my ovaries and crying my eyes out.

So it might surprise you to find out that I’m not a depressed and unhappy person. I don’t generally walk around red-eyed and splotchy from bouts of weeping. I haven’t burst into hysterics when holding a newborn. In fact, on a day-to-day basis, I like to think that I’m able to lead a fulfilled and positive  life, despite my uncooperative uterus.

The trouble with talking about infertility is that it doesn’t have a whole lot of upsides. I mean, in encourages you to have lots of sex. I guess that can be considered a positive. Although having scheduled sex is not nearly as exciting as simply having sex for the sexy fun of it. Other than that… nope, no upside.

So if you’re talking about infertility, it’s pretty much a guarantee that the conversation is going to be a downer. This is the reason that every time I tell my colleagues what the “Unbearable” story will be for the week, there’s a collective, “Aw. I’m sorry, Lindsay,” that has to immediately follow. And normally I want to say, “No! Don’t feel sorry! I don’t mean to sound so miserable and whiny!”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes, infertility sucks. But I still have a life outside of it. I have an intelligent three year girl who is growing so fast that I feel like she’ll be moving away for college any day now. I have a loving and supportive marriage that I feel blessed to be in. I have two amazing careers, at a time when so many are struggling to find one. I’m a lucky lady. I’m just not a pregnant one.

If I never have another child, my life will go on and it will continue to be wonderful. I may never use all the baby clothes that I have packed away in tubs in my attic, but I’ll donate them to Salvation Army and some child will look adorable. We may turn the room currently reserved as a possible nursery into a home office, but then I won’t lay around on the couch when I’m writing. And no matter what happens, my daughter will grow up in a loving family, with or without a sibling.

Infertility seems so all-encompassing, but stress and depression can do that no matter what the cause is. I don’t want to let this one issue overtake everything else in my life. And I don’t want people to think that just because I can’t have another child right now, I’m not able to see all the positives around me. Even if I’m not pregnant, I can be happy. That doesn’t mean that I want a baby less, it just means that I want to bring him or her into a family that’s happy and optimistic, even before our bundle of joy gets here.