Unbearable: I Promise, You Can Talk To Me About Your Pregnancy

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Having a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

My wonderful, amazing, dear friend Louise is pregnant. She is already a doting mother to her beautiful five-year-old daughter. I know that she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant, just as my husband and I have been trying. When she found out, I’m sure that she was excited, thrilled and on top of the world. And then, as she started to share her news with family and friends, she felt a new emotion, guilt. She just couldn’t tell me that she had gotten pregnant, when she knew how hard I’ve been trying.

One of my closest friends, who I love with all my heart, couldn’t tell me something awesome because she was afraid of hurting my feelings. In that moment, both of us were feeling pretty guilty. Her guilt was out of sympathy for a friend going through a difficult time. Mine was because I’ve obviously become so selfish in my quest to have a little one that my close friends are afraid to hurt my feelings, even at the expense of their own joy.

Life never happens in a bubble. My infertility does not mean that no one around me can have children. When I look at those negative test results, no one else’s world stops for just a minute to cry and mourn and then try to move on. Those things happen to me, but they don’t occur for everyone around me. It’s very easy to become obsessed with fertility, to the extreme of losing sight of what’s happening around you. But I don’t want to be that person.

This morning, the wonderful Koa Beck posted a link about fatty ovaries leading to failed pregnancies. As I was trying to be funny, I sent her a message saying, “Really Koa, with that link? Now I have to worry about my ovaries being fat?” I meant the comment as a joke. (Note to self: stop trying to tell jokes over the internet. You’re not good at it.) My wonderful fellow writer apologized, because I’m sure she honestly felt bad about causing me distress. But no one should have to worry about simply mentioning an interesting study around a woman trying, somewhat desperately, to conceive a child.

I guess my point here is that infertility can cause women to become introverted and fragile creatures. It’s caused me to be insecure and easily-shaken. But ladies, we’re strong! We keep going, every month, after nature tries to stand in our way. We make it through the cycles of hope and despair and regret. We continue to push and fight, through monumental hormones and a whole lots of needles, to get the family that we’re dreaming of. That’s a whole lot of determination and strength.

Keep those studies coming, Koa, because they are insightful and important. And my very lovely and sweet Louise, I could not possibly be happier for you and your family. Please don’t hesitate to discuss any aspect of this pregnancy with me out of fear for my tender feelings. Women who are trying to conceive obviously care very much about children. We should all be happy that one more beautiful little one is going to be born to loving and supportive parents. Even when times are hard or we’ve recently gotten some bad news, I promise, you can still talk to the infertile about pregnancy. We’re pretty strong and above all, we’re happy for you!