Mama Love Junkie and Mothertougher: I’m Beautiful And Heartbroken About My Ugly Child

 

Dear Mothertougher and Mama Love Junkie,

I’m embarrassed to even write this, but here goes. My daughter is sweet and bright and a wonderful kid. But and I know a mom should never even think this about her own child, let alone write it she’s not pretty. Not even cute, really. At the age of 12, she’s gawky, overweight, and has awful skin. She also inherited her dad’s nose (his sisters both had nose jobs by the time they were 14 if that’s any indication).

I know that I shouldn’t care, and that I should tell her that she is beautiful because of whom she is inside. But I know all too well that outside appearances count more than people like to believe. I was always one of the prettiest girls in school; in fact, I won numerous pageants as a teen that allowed me to attend college almost free of charge, due to various scholarship and cash prizes. I know that it was my looks that gave me an edge, and I can’t help but feel heartbroken that my daughter won’t get those same advantages. The worst part is, she seems perfectly content with how she looks. She’s really confident, and talks to me about how she thinks the cutest boy in her class might be interested in her, which I just can’t imagine being the case. I think she could be so much more attractive, if she would lose weight and consider rhinoplasty but how does a mom say that to her preteen daughter?

Please tell me honestly- is there anything I can do here? Or should I just figure out how to manage my own disappointment and move on? Please know that I just want the best for her.

Thank you,

Pretty Duckling

Dear Pretty Duckling,

Oh for the love of god.

I am really having a tough time answering this question with some modicum of grace, because I basically want to smack you across your pretty face.

(When I’m pissed, apparently, I rhyme unintentionally.)

True, there are advantages that come with beauty. But there are also disadvantages, such as turning into a superficial person. I bet you know something about that.

Maybe your daughter didn’t win the genetic lottery when it came to looks, but what about her intelligence and creativity? Her wit? Her compassion? True, high school can suck donkey balls for the ugly ducklings, but not being able to rely on your looks forces you to hone other talents. And I hate to break it to you, Pretty, but looks fade. I think a fair argument could be made that people who feel their appearance defines them face a dire fate, as our society tends to equate youth with beauty.

Your daughter could very well become striking with age. Some of the most stunning older women I know were not what you would call cute in their younger days. But honestly, who cares? If she isn’t happy with her appearance, that’s one thing then I’d tell you to get her the damn nose job, STAT but if she isn’t complaining, and appears confident and happy, the only person with a problem is you. What are your ultimate dreams for her? If your hope is for her to be a beauty queen, you’ll probably have to mourn the loss of that fantasy. But if your desire is for her to be happy and healthy, to find true and lasting love, and to be successful at something she enjoys all of those dreams are 100% possible even if she looks like a boiled potato (which I’m quite sure she doesn’t. By the way, bad skin can be temporary, bad noses can add character – Angelica Houston, anyone? – and curves are gorgeous. Perhaps your narrow view of what constitutes attractiveness needs widening.)

You’re not a bad person for feeling a little bummed your daughter wasn’t blessed with effortless beauty. I get that. But to be so myopic that you fail to see that her being ”sweet, bright and wonderful” is worth so much more to the world than being another pretty face. You can Photoshop someone’s face, but you can’t Photoshop someone’s soul. So my advice? Start using the ”sharpen” tool on your own perception, and revel in all the beauty your daughter does posses, instead of the fair skin and aquiline schnozz she doesn’t.

Yours truly,
Mothertougher

Dear Pretty Duckling,

We all want to give the best possible parts of ourselves to our children, and of course that includes everything from our scholastic aptitude to our culinary savvy, to our flawless skin or ringlet curls. Don’t fault yourself for asking this question, it’s sure to come from a place of love.

Now, as any eighties movie or blockbuster shakespearean remake starring Amanda Bynes will tell you, the awkward, unpopular girl is the one who ends up the “winner.” Unfortunately, I just don’t think this is true. It is infinitely easier to be beautiful in this life. And luckily for those who want it enough and have the resources to do it, becoming beautiful is not exactly evasive anymore. That doesn’t mean, of course, that people who are not customarily beautiful do not ever “win” in life, but I’d argue that it takes other things to make that so.

I wonder about this question because you say all you want  is “the same thing” for your daughter. What was it that made you love being beautiful so much? I doubt it was the way you actually looked, pageants or not. It was probably the attention, the glory of being ideal in a sea of almost perfect.

So then maybe it really wasn’t all that much about being beautiful as it was about being loved. And there I think I can help you, and you can help your daughter.

You can not control what your daughter looks like. She is sweet and bright and a wonderful kid – you said so yourself, and I believe you believe that. How you respond to her, so that she loves herself and knows you love her beyond compare, this you can control.

And if you succeed, and the other people in her life succeed in this same thing, then she just might feel the kind of adoration that you felt as the center of the high school universe, and regardless of what she looks like, that just might be enough.

Yours in love,

Mama Love Junkie

Have a dilemma you need advice for? send your questions to mamalovejunkie@gmail.com!