The 10 Types Of People You’ll Meet On Every Birth Month Message Board

Birth month message boards seem like a nice way to get to know a group of people going through the same things you are at the same time. And they can be that! Sometimes. As long as you don’t mind wading through the hundreds (thousands?) of near-identical posts from the ten core types of people that make up the users of these boards.

1. The Milestone Braggart

Did your little guy just sit up on his own? Aww, that’s cute! The Milestone Braggart’s son could sit up by six weeks, walk by two months, and read the complete works of Chaucer in the original Middle English by his four-month birthday. But congratulations on the sitting up thing, really. You must be so proud.

2. The Medical Over-reacter

The baby coughed once this morning. Should she call the pediatrician, or jump straight to 911? Please help!!!! This is an EMERGENCY, which is why she has first turned to help from a large group of non-medical professionals on the Internet. Be warned: if you click on a Medical Over-reacter’s post, you are going to see pictures of rashes, spit-up, and dirty diapers, after which you will be the one who’s not feeling so well.

3. The Medical Under-reacter

Like her related species, the Medical Over-reacter, the Under-reacter will seek out medical advice from strangers on a message board first. She’ll just wait until the baby is bleeding out of his eyeballs to do it. “Hey guys, Colton has been throwing up for two week straight. I’ve been giving him essential oils every day, so that’ll probably start making a difference any day now. Do you think I should call the nurse hotline and see if it’s worth bringing him in, or do you think it’ll blow over soon at this point?” This type of poster often overlaps with those who think that a case of chicken pox or measles is no big deal, and has been known to say, “That which doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger!” as if kids don’t die of preventable disease in this country all the time.

4. The Spammer

The Spammer has posted more pictures of her child to the message board than you have ever taken of yours. It doesn’t matter how blurry, off-centered, or weird the picture is, it will get posted with a caption of “SO CUTE!!!” or “don’t you just LOVE her?!” or “#nofilter”.

5. The Lactivist

If anyone posts a question even remotely related to feeding, the Lactivist will show up to remind everyone that breast is best. If you want to know what brand of formula other people have found the best prices on, the Lactivist will remind you that breast milk is free. If you’re wondering how many times a day other babies are nursing, the Lactivist will tell you to watch the baby, not the clock. If you’re seeking advice on weaning, the Lactivist will remind you that her breastfeeding support organization recommends breastfeeding until your child graduates high school.

6. The Chicken Little

Ebola! Satanists kidnapping children from day cares! Mercury in vaccines! There is no news headline that the Chicken Little cannot turn into a reason to panic, and the fact that the last 307 things that sent her into Panic Room Mode haven’t harmed her or her little one yet will not slow her latest media-frenzy-fed meltdown.

7. The Human Political Email

Can you just vote for her adorable little girl in this one teensy little contest? Please? Oh, and like her picture on Facebook? Real quick? And if you wanted to spread the word to your Twitter followers, coworkers, the other parents in the pediatrician’s waiting room, and the bagger at the grocery store, that’d be great too. k thx!!

8. The Awkward Sex Info-Dumper

“We had sex for the first time since baby! :)” is one thing. The gory details about a stranger’s vagina or her husband’s penis: that is something I could live without. I do not want to feel like I’m reading either a pornographic novel or a gynecology textbook when I click into a message board post.

9. The Mean Girl

Every birth month board in the world has a group of posters who call themselves the Mean Girls, and odds are that they gave the nickname to themselves. They will high-five themselves every time they respond to the question of a user from outside the core clique with, “Do you even go here?” Haha! Good one!

10. The Hair Trigger

“You’re sleep training your baby? I hope you enjoy being a well-rested child abuser.”  “Your son is circumcised? Wow, I didn’t know you liked torturing babies.” “Your daughter’s first solid food was rice cereal? I hope you’re not expecting her to write you a thank you note for the diabetes and childhood obesity.” Any given Hair Trigger usually has only one or two pet issues, but there is a Hair Trigger out there for literally any issue you can imagine. There is no parenting choice so innocuous that someone won’t become enraged over your decision.

(Photo: Anastasia Tveretinova)

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