Childrearing

The 10 Types Of People You’ll Meet On Every Birth Month Message Board

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Birth month message boards seem like a nice way to get to know a group of people going through the same things you are at the same time. And they can be that! Sometimes. As long as you don’t mind wading through the hundreds (thousands?) of near-identical posts from the ten core types of people that make up the users of these boards.

1. The Milestone Braggart

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Did your little guy just sit up on his own? Aww, that’s cute! The Milestone Braggart’s son could sit up by six weeks, walk by two months, and read the complete works of Chaucer in the original Middle English by his four-month birthday. But congratulations on the sitting up thing, really. You must be so proud.

2. The Medical Over-reacter

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The baby coughed once this morning. Should she call the pediatrician, or jump straight to 911? Please help!!!! This is an EMERGENCY, which is why she has first turned to help from a large group of non-medical professionals on the Internet. Be warned: if you click on a Medical Over-reacter’s post, you are going to see pictures of rashes, spit-up, and dirty diapers, after which you will be the one who’s not feeling so well.

3. The Medical Under-reacter

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Like her related species, the Medical Over-reacter, the Under-reacter will seek out medical advice from strangers on a message board first. She’ll just wait until the baby is bleeding out of his eyeballs to do it. “Hey guys, Colton has been throwing up for two week straight. I’ve been giving him essential oils every day, so that’ll probably start making a difference any day now. Do you think I should call the nurse hotline and see if it’s worth bringing him in, or do you think it’ll blow over soon at this point?” This type of poster often overlaps with those who think that a case of chicken pox or measles is no big deal, and has been known to say, “That which doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger!” as if kids don’t die of preventable disease in this country all the time.

4. The Spammer

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The Spammer has posted more pictures of her child to the message board than you have ever taken of yours. It doesn’t matter how blurry, off-centered, or weird the picture is, it will get posted with a caption of “SO CUTE!!!” or “don’t you just LOVE her?!” or “#nofilter”.

5. The Lactivist

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If anyone posts a question even remotely related to feeding, the Lactivist will show up to remind everyone that breast is best. If you want to know what brand of formula other people have found the best prices on, the Lactivist will remind you that breast milk is free. If you’re wondering how many times a day other babies are nursing, the Lactivist will tell you to watch the baby, not the clock. If you’re seeking advice on weaning, the Lactivist will remind you that her breastfeeding support organization recommends breastfeeding until your child graduates high school.

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