Teenagers Who Show Up At My Door On Halloween With An Attitude And No Costume Get Nothing

go-away-doormatOn Halloween about six years ago when I was still living in Brooklyn, I ran out of candy relatively early. We lived on a busy block and always got a ton of trick-or-treaters. It was the first time I had ever really paid attention to the masses of teenagers without costumes who were walking around asking for candy — probably because I was running out so fast and getting annoyed that kids who couldn’t even be bothered to say Trick-or-Treat or put on a costume were taking it all. I decided to draw the line and save the remaining candy for kids in costume. Then this happened:

Mass of teenagers walks up to my stoop and just stares at me.

Me: I have no more candy.

What looks to be about a 17-year-old boy: Yeah you do. I see it.

Me: I’m saving it for little kids. Who are actually in costume.

Him: Fuck you, lady.

Not only could this little shit not be bothered to even attempt a costume or say Trick-or-Treat – he was also telling me to fuck off. Oh, hell no. It was then that I realized rude teenagers who came to my door expecting candy could suck it. No, I don’t feel bad about it, either.

I’m the soup-Nazi of Halloween – I admit it. Show up at my door with no costume and an attitude and it’s No candy for you! I know a lot of people think teenagers are just trying to hold on to a slice of their childhood and that may be true. But if it is true, then show up with a costume and say Trick-or-Treat, damnit.


It doesn’t have to be something super-fancy. It can be a costume totally hobbled together from the contents of your mom’s closet. I’m just all about keeping with the spirit of the holiday — which is fun times, costumes, too much candy, and an exchange of pleasantries. There’s nothing like traveling packs of entitled teenagers telling you to fuck off to ruin the happy feels of Halloween. If you’re too cool to put on a costume or say Trick-or-Treat, you’ve outgrown the holiday. I don’t make the rules – I’m just the keeper of the candy.

I have to admit it’s a little less annoying now that I’m living in the suburbs of Florida and I don’t have to spend $75 on candy to be able to entertain the neighborhood kids for a couple of hours. On my old block in Brooklyn, candy used to go fast. The first few Halloweens I politely gave in to the masses of annoying and rude teenagers. Then it hit me – I don’t have to give these brats candy. They’re not even dressed up! It was liberating.

Stephen Colbert telling you to go away


I know there are people who think this is grumpy-old-lady of me, but oh well. There are certain traditions around the holiday. One of them is giving out candy. I don’t buy a bunch of candy just so I can give it to a bunch of thankless teenagers. If they are excited about the holiday, dressed up, and festive – they can have all the candy. If not – shove it, kids. Don’t ring my doorbell. No candy for you!

(photo: Sean Locke Photography/ Shutterstock)

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