being a mom
Totally Gross Things Every Mom Does
Becoming a mother means that you take an unspoken pledge to do some of the most disgusting shit you never even knew was possible. More often than not, this shit involves shit.
You will watch in horror as poop spirals towards your face from your childâ€™s all-powerful butt canon. You will wonder why youâ€™re smelling parmesan cheese, because you donâ€™t have any, and realize that itâ€™s coming from one of your babyâ€™s neck rolls. And even after all of this, you still adore your children. Theyâ€™re gross, but theyâ€™re yours, dammit.
Here are more of the gross things moms do that nobody warns us about:
1. Fishing for poop
Itâ€™s inevitable that you, at some point, will go fishing for brown trout, crappie, grunter, and mud minnow in your bathtub. Poop. Iâ€™m talking about poop. And youâ€™re gonna have to scoop it out with your bare hands. Hopefully itâ€™s in one piece.
2. Puke catcher
Poop isnâ€™t the only bodily fluid youâ€™ll be playing the position of catcher for. Kids are notorious for spitting up and having weak stomachs. You wonâ€™t always have a bag or a container. Sometimes, you just gotta cup your hand and go with the flow. Welcome to being a human puke bucket. Someone pass the wine and sawdust.
3. Brown Noser
A momâ€™s nose is pretty dialed-in with her childâ€™s particular brand of stench. Itâ€™s key to their survival. The moment we catch the tiniest whiff, we know we have to act fast unless we want our kids leaving a snail trail of shit behind us in the supermarket. The next steps, following an olfactory alert for a possible shitastrophy, is confirmation. 1) Ask your child if they pooped, regardless of whether or not theyâ€™re capable of understanding and/or responding. Then, 2) Sniff that booty. We donâ€™t care where we are or whoâ€™s around. Our schnozzes are going near another humanâ€™s butt crack, and if you donâ€™t like what you see, look away!
4. Shitty situations
Speaking of things you canâ€™t un-see, there will come a time when your child shits themselves so aggressively that you have no choice but to cut them out of their clothes. Youâ€™ve assessed all possible outfit exit strategies, and all of them result in disaster. Donâ€™t be a hero. You can buy your kid more clothes, or you can buy them years of counseling to cope with deep-seated childhood trauma.
5. Kleenex hoarding
Children make the perfect breeding grounds for sickness. They touch every damn thing, despise washing their hands, and will put anything in their mouths. Itâ€™s just too easy. This means that fluids are constantly coming out of their faces and that you get to be the proud owner of a million used tissues. Youâ€™ll stuff them in your pockets, your purse. Hell, you might as well benefit from this situation and stuff your bra with them.
6. Human trash can
Deepening the comparison between parents and flaming dumpsters, youâ€™ll undoubtedly find yourself without the proper means to dispose of your kidâ€™s dirty diaper while youâ€™re on the go. This moment is when you find out what youâ€™re made of. You do what you gotta do. You open up your designer purse and stick that wadded up pile of gross inside. And die a little on the inside.