Childrearing

Top 5 Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Breed With A Professional Wrestler

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4. Homophobia

Here’s another obvious one, though maybe slightly less so than the blatant woman-hate that often goes on at these things. According to Michael Castle from the Bleacher Report, when The Rock came back to the WWE in 2012, he called another wrestler, John Cena, a ton of homophobic names:

“As we all know by now, John Cena apparently has lady parts. John Cena is also allegedly gay, a teletubby, a wannabe rapper and um…gay. Did I mention he apparently has lady parts?

These are, of course, the major arguments for why John Cena sucks as told by my eight-year-old brother—oh wait! Sorry, these comments are actually from the Rock.”

And this is from the freaking Rock, someone you frequently see in kiddie movies and mindless action flicks. People like the Rock.

3. The silly costumes

This one is a little shallow, I’m sure. But whatevs. The damn costumes are silly as hell, and if you think that you only see that shiz on the “superstars,” then you’re crazy. The fans wear that shit all the time and I think it might be detrimental to my kid’s mental heath if I had to laugh at them until I turned blue every time they had a “fun” WWE outing with daddy. NOPE.

2.  Wrestling is dangerous as hell if not done right

professional wrestler

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Fun Frances Fact – As a teenager I used to hang out with a group of dudes who would meet up every week and wrestle, WWE-style, on the beach, at the end of the boardwalk. It was actually pretty fun to watch and not nearly as lame as it sounds (I swear!), but some of the crap these guys did was dangerous as hell. More than a couple of them ended up at the hospital and one friend has lasting back damage and pain from it. Now, obviously, I could just forbid my hypothetical wrestling hubby/baby daddy from teaching this stuff to my kid, but I doubt that would last long if they were really that into it. None of my guy friends had father into this shit and they still managed to risk serious neck-death every week for four years. DOUBLE NOPE.

1. I am mean and wrestling sucks

I’m sure there are many (some?) of you who just LOVE WWE-style wrestling. To you, it’s just the bee’s knees. But to me? BORING. I would rather do crafting. I would rather hang out in Pinellas County. I would rather do ANYTHING. So, thank you potential wrestling enthusiast baby daddies for not procreating with me. But the real shout-out goes to my vagina for holding out for something, anything, better. Bravo.

(Image: getty images/Julia Sonenshein)

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