Tom Ford Made 17-Month-Old Blue Ivy A Pair Of Totally Sexy ‘Burp Me’ Pumps

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Screen Shot 2013-07-03 at 6.29.04 AMI’m so sad that these heels don’t come in my size and why don’t they come in my size? Oh that’s right because they were made for a FREAKIN’ BABY and what baby doesn’t need a pair of heels to wear when she is defecating in her own pants and trying to shove everyone’s hair in her mouth? NOT Blue Ivy that’s for sure! Because Uncle Tom (That’s Tom Ford to you mere peasants) made these shoes for Blue Ivy because Tom Ford has no idea what a baby is. Someone asked him and he was all “Baby? What is this baby? You mean like the 1956 movie called Baby Doll that starred Carroll Baker? Yeah, that’s cool.” and then he went on to cover a tractor in Russian sable and write a movie all about a tortured bespoke shoe maker who falls in love with a hand model from the Ukraine but their love is not meant to be because of SPIES.

I love Tom Ford as much as any woman who adores luxury and excess and lilac Sobranie cigarettes and the idea that getting your pubes carefully art directed into a monogram is a badass idea, but no baby needs heels like this, even if she is the daughter of hip hop royalty.

Mama Beyonce posted the pic of the custom shoes on her website and your best friends at The Daily Mail had this to say:

32-year-old Julia Roitfield, daughter of former Vogue Paris editor-in-chief Carine Roitfield, told the New York Post that her daughter Romy was also gifted with a pair in black.

‘Tom Ford gave me high heels for the baby,’ she said in May. ‘They’re a little kitten heel with a velvet rope that you tie. It’s like a collection piece.’

So basically every damn baby except your baby got a pair of these heels. And “little kitten heel” – what? That is NOT a kitten heel. That’s a full on heel that could possibly be used to bludgeon any other brat on the playground who takes one of Blue’s toys away from her.

(Photos: Tumblr and Iam.beyonce)