No Reddit Mom, You’re Not Raising A Serial Killer, Two-Year-Olds Are Just Evil

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shutterstock_149018300__1395943037_142.196.167.223Two-year-olds are evil little shits. If you’ve managed to somehow escape the evil, count your blessings and keep it moving. If you are experiencing what you think may be an interaction with Damien the demon child – don’t worry. You are not alone.

A concerned mother posed a question on Reddit today, about her violent toddler:

My kid is crazy. Seriously. He is so adorable, but when he gets excited he will grab one of your cheeks and pinch it in his fist while whispering hurt while looking into your eyes. He fucking digs his nails in. He doesn’t talk a lot, but he loves being rough. Biting is his second favorite, also poking eyes and slapping.

Don’t get me wrong, he is also super awesome, up until a little before his second birthday, he was totally sweet.

What have any of you done about this kind of random violence, am I raising Dexter? Will I have to teach him to murder responsibly?

She explains that he only watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and doesn’t hang out with other kids because both parents work from home, so he has no violent influences. What gives?

Before I had kids, I probably would have said something like, This sounds alarming. Maybe you should consult a professional. Now? Toddlers are evil little punks. If you figure out a way to change his behavior, please call me and let me know. I’ll bring wine.

My three-year-old was the sweetest when he was an infant. He was pretty damn sweet into young toddlerhood, too. Now? My sweet little boy has the ability to occasionally turn into a demanding little asshole, complete with a demon-voice. Not kidding. His favorite phrase is now “Shut up.” No – we don’t say it to him, there will be a long, detailed post about how that came to be so the rest of you can hopefully avoid this hell we are in. But in the middle of the night, I’ll hear SHUT UP! SHUT UP! in this really disturbing, growling, low tone. It chills me to the bone.

He also likes to occasionally push his sister to the ground when I’m not looking and give me evil eyes when I tell him to do something. If I would venture a guess at what is going on with this woman’s son, it’s that he doesn’t have any friends who will pinch him back when he does something physical like that. I say no until I’m blue in the face, ignore the behavior, put him in a time-out, blah, blah, blah. I am so excited to get him into daycare where hopefully some little kid will smack the shit out of him, since I can’t. Just kidding. Sort of.

I think 2-year-olds are so hard because they are at that age where they are starting to realize they can demand things and illicit responses, but they are still too young to fully grasp cause and effect. So at that age I would say, meh. They are a little evil. It will pass.

(photo: Romar Sorkin/ Shutterstock)