Pregnancy

Mommyish’s Guide To Sexy First Trimester Sex

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You guys can all blame my boss Bambi Koa Beck for this article because she feels like all of you readers are a bunch of dirty little minxes who would like advice on getting busy after you have already gotten busy and you have a BABY HUMAN GROWING INSIDE OF YOU. Koa obviously doesn’t understand that once we are all knocked up our work is done, because none of us have sex for any reason other than MAKING BABIES. Unless you are like my pal Dani who is super against that:

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To assume that some of you filthy trollops are having sex for enjoyment is beyond offensive and sort of ridiculous. But yes, if any of you bad girls are doin’ it just for the sake of doin’ it than I guess this is for you. Slut.

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Step 1: If Your Doctor Says You Can Have The Sex, You Can Have The Sex 

As long as your doctor or midwife gives the A-OK, you can do anything you want during your first trimester. This includes having sex in weird positions, weird locations, with any sort of sex toy you want, and also deciding you don’t feel like having sex and barfing in the middle of having sex.

Screen Shot 2013-07-10 at 9.23.13 AMThis also includes barfing in the middle of sex and still wanting to have sex:

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Tip: Your Body Changes During Pregnancy. Like Duh. So This Can Affect Your Sexy Life

When you get pregnant you have increased blood flow to your vag so this may help heighten your arousal. Other ways you can help heighten your arousal is by having your partner cook you a delicious grilled cheese and doing the dishes after and also by watching Luther reruns.

Your breasts may feel different, especially in the first trimester, and some ladeeees like them to be touched and some ladeees are over-sensitive to touch so if you grab her boobs while she is knocked up she may punch you in the throat. A good rule of thumb is not to go  manhandling your partner’s boobs without asking, especially if she is busy eating a grilled cheese.

Tip: The Person You Are Having Sex With May Feel Differently About Having Sex With You

Your partner may start to view you as a boring old MOM TYPE PERSON and purchase you a kitten sweater and expect you to start acting like less of a dirty slut and more of a MOM TYPE PERSON and also they may worry that their giant huge amazing monster penis will crush the baby’s skull when they penetrate you so they may not want to have sex with you. This is stupid, and even though your male partner is a nice guy and is really good at picking his filthy socks off the floor and all, his penis just ain’t that big.

If you are in a same sex relationship (LUCKY!) than your partner may also start to feel weird about your upcoming parental roles and how this jibes with the both of you and your sexual identities. This is all some stupid sexual psychological voodoo and the only way you can get over this is by talking. BORING I KNOW. Especially when there are episodes of Luther to be watched. If you are a single mom and you wonder if men will still want to bone you even if you are with child than the answer is fuck yes, because according to Damian:

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Screen Shot 2013-07-10 at 9.47.06 AMStep 2: Some Positions In The First Trimester May Be Comfier Than Other Positions

And you need to figure these out for yourself. Go ahead! Experiment! Be crazy! It’s not like you are going to get pregnant or anything!

It should also be noted that blah blah if you think you have a sexually transmitted disease blah blah than continue to use condoms because you can pass a disease onto your unborn child if you have one.

Sex is awesome and great and makes people happy and fosters intimacy in relationships so there is no reason you should let the simple fact you left your legs open and let some man put a baby inside of you stop you from enjoying it. Pretty soon you will have a new baby to take care of and having sex will be more difficult because as soon as the baby senses you are even starting to raise an eyebrow at your partner they will magically have a Faces of Death diaper and ruin any chances you have of getting busy.

Plus, caring for a newborn is exhausting and can be difficult on relationships so if you deposit some dirty sexy funtime dollars in your sex bank account now, you can withdraw them later in exchange for bonus prizes, like getting to sleep in once a month or a free pass to go pee alone without dragging the baby swing into the bathroom with you. Just remember in order to withdraw your sexy funtime dollars you need to shriek over your crying baby:

REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN I GAVE YOU A BLOW JOB AND TRUE BLOOD WAS ON AND YOU FORGOT TO FOLD THE TOWELS IN THE DRYER?

That’s post-baby sex right there.

(Photo: Tarquin)