Childrearing
A 14-Step Program To Prepare You For Parenting A Toddler
Step 8: Noise Prep
Invest in a vuvuzela or noisemakers. Throughout the day, blow it directly in your ear. This is a faulty step. It’s nowhere near as annoying as constant demands and tantrums. But we have to work with what we have.
Step 9: Repetition
Sit down. Get up and get a tissue. Sit back down. Get up and get a towel. Sit back down. Get up and get a snack. Leave it on the couch. Sit back down. Get up and put the cereal on the floor. Sit back down. Get up and put the cereal in the kitchen. Sit back down. Get up and get a blanket. Etc. Do this until you’re about to rage.
Step 10: Revisit The Fridge
Close it.
Step 11: Potty
Go to the bathroom. Sit there for three hours. Read yourself fairy tales and nursery rhymes non-stop the whole time.
Step 12: Simultaneous Destruction And Cleaning
(Wait until your partner is around for this one. You’ll need two people.) You start cleaning. Do dishes, and kitchen work. Have your partner go into the living room and throw things around. Then switch. You go clean the living room. Have your partner take dirty dishes out of the washer and put them on the floor and counter spaces. Repeat five times.
Step 13: Bath Time
Fill the bathtub. Put toys in it. Splash the water all over the floor. Open and empty an expensive bottle of shampoo. Clean it all up while singing show tunes.
Step 14: Bedtime
Sound the noisemakers nonstop for 20 to 90 minutes. Then get yourself a glass of wine.
Good job! You’re ready!
(photo: Mirror Twin/ Shutterstock)
