This Mom Found a Dead Squirrel in Her Kid’s Backpack Because Kids are the Most WTF People Ever

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Oh my God, WTF are children so gross?

Ladye Hobson from Her View From Home just got a truly nasty surprise from her son’s school, where the principal struggled to keep a straight face while informing Hobson that the faculty had just found a dead squirrel in her son’s backpack.

According to Scary Mommy, when Hobson first got the call from the school she was worried. Oh no! I’m being called by the princpal! That’s never good. But then the principal said her son Brylan had “made her day.” Phew! What a relief. But then it took a turn for the weird.

“The principal proceeds to tell me, obviously holding back laughter, that the faculty has discovered a dead squirrel in my son’s backpack

Please pause here to imagine my horror. To say I am embarrassed is an understatement. I. Am. Mortified. A dead squirrel? Why is it in his backpack? How did the squirrel die? And WHY in the world would he try to keep this dead animal in his backpack?

When asked by the principal what possessed him to pick up a dead squirrel and store it in his backpack, my son replies with “I really wanted squirrel dumplings for dinner.””

Oh my God. Squirrel dumplings for dinner! WTF, Brylan!? I’m sure that according to child logic Brylan had a good and logical reason for putting a dead squirrel in his backpack, but it’s a mystery to everyone over the age of 20.

And Hobson points out that her son has been carrying Fluffy the Dead Squirrel around in the special, $50 Pottery Barn backpack with his name embroidered on it. The lesson I’m taking here is that we shouldn’t buy kids nice things, because kids are tiny little crackpots, and if you buy your child a dainty little tennis racket cover with an aspirational monogram on it, the child is almost certainly going to use it to pick up after the neighbor’s dog or something.

This really must have amused the hell out of the principal and faculty, though, so that’s good. The principal sent Hobson the above picture, saying, “He just looked so peaceful lying there in his bag.”

I love that she hashtagged this #jesustakethewheel. I really love that the principal asked Hobson if she really did want the squirrel to come home for squirrel dumplings, to which the answer was a resounding no.

“Y’all, I had to explain that we are from the country, but we’re not THAT country,” Hobson wrote. “(Sorry if any of you actually eat squirrel dumplings – I don’t mean that to be offensive).”

Some people do eat squirrel. Arkansas just hosted the World Squirrel Meat Cook-Off Competition earlier this month. But Hobson and her kids are not among them, so the world may never know how Brylan got this squirrel, how it died, or why he put it in his backpack. But the squirrel went to its final resting place in the dumpster behind the school, and Brylan’s backpack is getting a cleaning the likes of which no backpack has ever seen before.

You know, two weeks ago I bought a new washer and dryer, and the salesman pushed hard for a fancy dryer that had a special “sanitization” setting. I thought the idea of needing a dryer that worked as a sterilizer was overkill, but it suddenly sounds like a very useful thing to have in the house. I hope Hobson’s got one.