during pregnancy

15 Ways To Numb The Agony That Is The Third Trimester

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I am not a huge fan of being pregnant, but let me be clear when I say that I haaaaated the third trimester. It’s kind of like the last semester of school when you’re a senior. You just can’t TAKE sitting in your desk and listening to your stupid teacher for one more GD second when you know that you are about to taste sweet, sweet freedom. And by freedom, I mean an unruly baby who is going to keep you up all night with torturous giggles, moans, squeaks, and wails.

The third trimester of pregnancy is a mother of a drag, pun intended. I was so fatigued at that time that I felt like glue was running through my veins. I also could not stand waiting for the potential (over)due date that came and went. Just give me the baby, and let me get on with it already!!! But I digress.

If any of this rings true for you, let me encourage you by saying that it will go by faster than you think. But that won’t do you any good when you’re pulling your hair out for the next few weeks. Here are 15 things you can do to make the third trimester slightly less unbearable:

1. Pretend that you aren’t pregnant.

2. Sleep for 23 hours a day.

3. Quit your job in a dramatic Jerry Maguire style and commence sleeping for 23 hours a day.

4. Spend your baby savings on one prenatal massage a day until you give birth.

5. Exercise because relaxation and endorphins, duh.

6. Eat your feelings and frustrations.

7. Lie on your side like a nursing pig every time you eat because it’s much easier that way.

8. Bitch at your husband a lot, much more than you normally do.

9. Tell your husband, Feel this, FEEL IT, as you kick him in the back to help him understand your constant lower back pain.

10. Beg your husband for special favors, i.e. ice cream at midnight, while you can.

11. Cry alone in the bathroom because it hurts so good.

12. Frequent Baby Birth Club forums to realize that 99% of pregnant women whine more than you do.

13. Walk really, really, really slow through the grocery store and bask in the sympathy smiles.

14. Spend hours reading Google reviews of other doctors and contemplate switching at the last minute, but then don’t switch.

15. Watch your husband assemble your baby’s crib on the floor as you prop your feet up on his back (see #9).

(Image: Gladskikh Tatiana/Shutterstock)