Childrearing

10 Alternatives To Children, In Retrospect

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6. Remain living with your parents.

(Image: Elzbieta Sekowska/shutterstock)

(Image: Elzbieta Sekowska/shutterstock)

They’re like children anyway.

 

7. Possessed Marionettes

So this one is kind of tricky because it’s crucial to invest in puppets that act as a shell for benevolent spirits. From my own experience, it may prove helpful to do your research (instead of taking the word of a cloaked, glass-eyed antiques dealer from “lands distant and hidden beneath the veil of virgin blood.”) And don’t be discouraged, at the size of a small child most of these ever-smiling wooden spirit hosts should be able to carry your evening bottle of wine while gaily singing something by Wagner.

 

8. A New Roof

(Image:  Michael Pool/shutterstock)

(Image: Michael Pool/shutterstock)

Do you want to run the risk of moisture and black mold slowly overtaking the space between the walls until the place you once called home begins to collapse in on itself as you sit beneath a structurally sound doorway with your oxygen tank? No? Well that’s what will happen when every last penny of your savings is wrapped-up in Lego sets and dolls that pretend to crap. In retrospect, I enjoyed life more before the oxygen tank.

 

9. Cohabitate with a partner/spouse.

(Image:  Everett Collection/shutterstock)

(Image: Everett Collection/shutterstock)

See Number 6.

 

10. Goldfish

It’s been hard to forget my father’s go-to ice-breaker at family gatherings, “I should have had goldfish instead,” mainly because I’m not a goldfish. Unfortunately for him, I’m a relatively intelligent human with considerable short and long-term memory stores, which have allowed me to never, ever forget how much fun he had letting others know that I was a mistake. But all deeply-rooted abandonment issues aside, not only will goldfish live life without holding you accountable for being a sad excuse of a parent, they only have one significant milestone to celebrate, and that’s death.

Fin.

(Image: PerseoMedusa/shutterstock)

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