10 Alternatives To Children, In Retrospect

Things To Have Instead Of ChildrenI tuck my wee babes into their beds each evening. Oftimes after they are asleep, when their teeth stop gnashing, I marvel at their cherubic little angel-faces and rose-tinted cheeks. On occasion I’ll reflect on the random ”˜I love yous,’ and think back on a day of tender smiles. Bi-weekly I may even smile at the thought of their earth-shattering firsts; smiling, walking, reading, and using my own logic against me.

I tuck my wee babes into their beds each evening. Oftimes I have trouble finding the strength to find the light switch thanks to an infinite torrent of gross misconduct. On occasion I’ll gently dim the lights, blow another kiss, close the door and will myself into a conscious coma. Bi-weekly I’ll meditate quietly to understand my apparent subconscious desire to become a sperm receptacle. And, a few times a day I’ll hit up WedMD, searching ”˜children’ as the symptom of some unknown degenerative disease that is slowly eroding the very foundation of my nervous system and taking my collagen with it.

But, I would never trade throwing my identity onto the ever-burning-pyre-of-childhood-need for anything.

Ha. Yes I would.

Long story short, it’s hard not to feel exhausted and dejected and overwhelmed and confused and under appreciated and basically every other verb that suggests misery. It’s hard not to think of the what-ifs. Most of us have, or do regularly. Whatever the case, I give you complete permission to love me or villainize me for creating this list of child alternatives. Feel free to send me a bottle of wine as gratitude/punishment.

 

1. Cats.

(Image: Tumblr)
(Image: Tumblr)

Hush now, what else was I supposed to start with? Cats.

 

2. Sunflower seeds in their shell.

(Image: Tumblr)
(Image: Tumblr)

Not only are you able to enjoy the aesthetic beauty and temporary wall/fortress that these child alternatives provide, but you also get to eat them; a return on your investment, which historically is not something you can count on with children. Sunflower seeds will not stare at you until you give them the food you’ve been waiting all day to eat, mainly because they are faceless. And when you finally sit down for the first time in hours, they won’t ask you to pull a splinter out from their foot and then flinch every time you go within six inches of the splinter at which point you’ll have to decide whether to utilize a solid ankle hold or try to get it out while they sleep, which is why you have the black eye.

 

3. Blankets

For about 14.99 at TJ Maxx you can get one of those plush microfleece throws that simulate what a polar bear hug would feel like in a perfect world. Once again, this option is faceless (although a fabric marker and a bit of talent could have Benedict Cumberbatch curling next to you, supple and warm. And silent.)

 

4. Kittens.

(Image: Tumblr)
(Image: Tumblr)

So these things are just great because they’re a lot like cats but smaller.

 

5. 19th-Century Dummy Boards.

(Image: Tumblr)
(Image: Tumblr)

Also known as ”˜silent (silent!) companions’, these post-colonial novelties are not only silent, but also bear the best kind of human likeness, one that is entirely silent, silent and two-dimensional. Typically made of wood and painted in naive fashion, these dummies passively guarded a family home while the owners boarded carriage and stagecoach to holiday in some malarious swamp. Attributes such as rarity and expense make them a natural child replacement. The only difference is that they actually appreciate.

6. Remain living with your parents.

(Image: Elzbieta Sekowska/shutterstock)
(Image: Elzbieta Sekowska/shutterstock)

They’re like children anyway.

 

7. Possessed Marionettes

So this one is kind of tricky because it’s crucial to invest in puppets that act as a shell for benevolent spirits. From my own experience, it may prove helpful to do your research (instead of taking the word of a cloaked, glass-eyed antiques dealer from ”lands distant and hidden beneath the veil of virgin blood.”) And don’t be discouraged, at the size of a small child most of these ever-smiling wooden spirit hosts should be able to carry your evening bottle of wine while gaily singing something by Wagner.

 

8. A New Roof

(Image:  Michael Pool/shutterstock)
(Image: Michael Pool/shutterstock)

Do you want to run the risk of moisture and black mold slowly overtaking the space between the walls until the place you once called home begins to collapse in on itself as you sit beneath a structurally sound doorway with your oxygen tank? No? Well that’s what will happen when every last penny of your savings is wrapped-up in Lego sets and dolls that pretend to crap. In retrospect, I enjoyed life more before the oxygen tank.

 

9. Cohabitate with a partner/spouse.

(Image:  Everett Collection/shutterstock)
(Image: Everett Collection/shutterstock)

See Number 6.

 

10. Goldfish

It’s been hard to forget my father’s go-to ice-breaker at family gatherings, ”I should have had goldfish instead,” mainly because I’m not a goldfish. Unfortunately for him, I’m a relatively intelligent human with considerable short and long-term memory stores, which have allowed me to never, ever forget how much fun he had letting others know that I was a mistake. But all deeply-rooted abandonment issues aside, not only will goldfish live life without holding you accountable for being a sad excuse of a parent, they only have one significant milestone to celebrate, and that’s death.

Fin.

(Image: PerseoMedusa/shutterstock)

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