100 Things To Do Before Getting Pregnant

what to do before having kids

When it comes to anything even remotely related to how a woman is “supposed” to live her life, there is simply an excess of conflicting information out there telling us what to do. I know the world has a set way that I’m supposed to live my life, but it seems the like edicts are arbitrary, ever changing, and subject to the whims and personal viewpoints of whoever’s writing Thought Catalog’s most recent take on “432 Things To Do Before You Experience Delayed Menarche: A Guide For Late Bloomers About How To Live Your Life.” These lists are crushing and oppressive and all have the confidence to tell me that they’re all right, and I am the only one getting it wrong.

There’s no lack of information out there pertaining to how to best be a young person, and I’ve been doing it all wrong. Or right. It really depends on the list.┬áHere’s a sampling of the multitude of things I’ve been told to do before getting pregnant, and I need to do ALL of them. Heaven help me.

  1. Visit like seven or so countries
  2. Dye your hair a really ill-advised color
  3. Have all the protected sex you want
  4. Live abroad
  5. Stop hating your body
  6. Get better at filing your taxes (is it supposed to take two months?)
  7. Run a marathon (or two half marathons)
  8. Did I mention run a marathon?
  9. No seriously, if you don’t run, just walk or roll yourself off a bridge. There’s no point.
  10. Take a solo trip someplace new
  11. Spend money exorbitantly on yourself with no guilt
  12. Establish a fan base online for something weird like a glasses fetish
  13. Date like a million people
  14. Date one person and get it right the first time
  15. Own a house
  16. Own two houses
  17. Find a nice rent controlled place with room for a baby
  18. No, own a house. You must own a house or else you will be an unfit mother
  19. Get married to a person
  20. Also follow your own path and if marriage isn’t part of your journey don’t get married, but get married
  21. SEE the world!
  22. GO dancing!
  23. BE young!
  24. Find a fulfilling job
  25. Find a job that pays well
  26. Find a job that is both fulfilling and pays well
  27. Plan for every single eventuality ever
  28. Have a lost, irresponsible year
  29. Start saving for your future
  30. Hang onto your job
  31. Enjoy being married for a while! There’s no rush
  32. You know what happens after 30, right?
  33. Rise to the top of your profession
  34. Don’t waste too much time
  35. Have sex at weird hours of the day because after you have a baby you will become a dried up sexless shrew who always calls your husband when he’s just out with his friends to insist that he bring home four boxes of tampons
  36. Devote yourself entirely to your career
  37. Find a balance between your career and your partner
  38. Find a balance between your career and your partner and your social life
  39. Have your own life independent of your partner
  40. Make joint decisions with your partner
  41. Have “me” time
  42. Buy a dog. If you do not own a dog before having a child, you will have no idea how to take care of a baby
  43. Buy two dogs, especially if you plan to have multiple children
  44. Pick up and leave one day with no explanation. You’re young and nothing’s holding you back from starting over entirely!
  45. Continue to build that savings account for retirement
  46. Have an ill-advised love affair with an older man
  47. Try to lock your partner down by your late twenties because tick tick tick tick tick
  48. Go see a movie alone. This is the most rebellious thing a woman can do, apparently.
  49. No wait. Go to dinner alone. Look at you, you goddamn radical. You’re nobody’s mother.
  50. Go on a vacation with your girlfriends. Friends are useless once you have kids.
  51. Read all books about parenting
  52. Read all books because me time ends the moment a child emerges from your vagina (or whatever orifice/delivery system)
  53. Learn every single medical condition that a future child could contract
  54. Worry about the future
  55. Be carefree
  56. Do carefree activities like a “bold” haircut or eating cake for dinner (not too much)
  57. Order sushi twice in a day because you’re young and free
  58. Do a juice cleanse
  59. Find a hobby that encompasses all of your life passions
  60. Find a job that encompasses all of your life passions
  61. Find a partner who encompasses of all of your life passions
  62. Juggle two guys at once because you can, sister
  63. Learn how to actually juggle objects
  64. Fall asleep without washing your face or taking your makeup off
  65. Begin an anti aging regimen
  66. Eat whatever you want before you metabolism slows down
  67. Don’t be fat
  68. Make a five-year-plan
  69. Make a ten-year-plan
  70. Throw your plan out the window
  71. Make stupid, life altering mistakes
  72. Do enough drugs to hit the magic point of having fun but don’t go too far or you’ll get meth face and then nobody will want to put a baby in you
  73. Live alone
  74. Live with your female friends
  75. Live with a squatter
  76. Live on a moving train
  77. Learn a fun party skill like bartending or giving blow jobs
  78. Have sex on a train
  79. Have sex on a plane
  80. Do remember that all sex ends one day sooner than you think. Married people do not ever have sex, they simply have resentment
  81. Have weird sex modeled after porn that you watched together
  82. Develop a really sexy addiction to caffeine
  83. Date a much older man
  84. Date a much younger man
  85. Date an actual child. The catch is that you should also be a child. Young love.
  86. Date an actual elderly person who is close to dying so you can get in his will and then use his life savings to pay for your future child
  87. Spend time with family members’ or friends’ children so you can get a feel for things
  88. Decide you hate children
  89. Suddenly experience your biological clock turning on and telling you to steal your friends’ children
  90. Remind every person on earth that you’re not ready for kids yet
  91. Remind every person on earth that you’re not ready for marriage yet
  92. Brush up on your high school French so your kids can be bilingual and better than other kids
  93. Start a Pinterest account (this is the only way to find out what’s hip for your baby shower)
  94. Judge your friend’s baby showers on Facebook
  95. Give up on your dream
  96. Never give up on your dream
  97. Lean in
  98. Opt out
  99. Do everything
  100. Have it all

So, cool, I’m off to do all of those things. Then maybe one day we can say I got this whole being a young future parent right.

Photo: Knocked Up

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