10 Things That Will Make Your Babysitter Hate You

While I no longer nanny full time, I still babysit because freelancing is so flexible and lucrative that it gives me space to pursue hobbies, like other people’s kids’s diapers. But it’s not all soiled Pull-Up wrangling, I also have to deal with parents.

These days I’m able to be very selective about my clients, and all my recent clients get gold stars. But I’ve been doing this a long time, and (wino skeleton from The Last Unicorn voice) I remember. As do my nanny/babysitter friends.

This list isn’t about serious abuse. (Don’t do that either!) This is about those smaller acts of disrespect that parents may not even realize are fostering resentment in those they’ve entrusted with their spawn. If you don’t do any of these things: high five! But for the rest of you? Here are ten things we might hate about you.

1. You insist we take your kids out every day.

I get it, exercise and “fresh” Brooklyn air are good for growing kids. But; weather. Sometimes it’s 110 degrees or there’s a blizzard. If you trust me with your child, please trust me to decide whether it’s worth it to slap the rain cover on the Maclaren which, while keeping your baby snuggly-dry, does exactly nothing for me as I trudge my increasingly waterlogged body over to the library. Oh, you can hold an umbrella and push the stroller at the same time? Fine, you are a better and more talented person than me.

Some weather actually poses a genuine threat. Kristy* holed the kids up in a store to wait out an electrical storm that hit during their walk and got screamed at as a reward. If you want your kid’s claim to fame to be surviving a lightning strike, perhaps you should work on this goal together and leave the help out of it.

2. You don’t respect our time

We promise to be at a designated location caring for your children during the hours we’ve agreed upon. But that’s it. You can ask if we’re available at the very last minute on our day off, but we are under zero obligation to say yes, and the reason is frankly none of your business. Our lives do not revolve around your offspring, however much we love them. Maybe we’re working another job, or out with friends, or smoking pot and watching ALF in a snuggie. These are all valid reasons to not pinch-sit for your kid.

On the days we are ensuring your kid eats, plays and doesn’t die, please come home at the appointed hour. Of course, shit happens, so unless I’ve explicitly told you I have to leave by a certain time, an apologetic text saying you’ll be 15 minutes late is a reasonable inconvenience.

What is not okay is what happened to Dawn, who was babysitting while Mom and Dad had a night out on the town. Said celebration was supposed to turn into a pumpkin at midnight, when Dawn would go home, sleep for 6 hours, and go sit for another family. Because that’s how Dawn pays her rent. But instead, the toasty birthday couple came home at sunny 6 a.m., oblivious to the hours Dawn had spent calling them (and being sent to voicemail) and debating at what point it’s be appropriate to report them missing.

She didn’t, as the tipsy couple assumed, “just go to sleep.” (You really want to leave your kids with someone who’s going to peace out into dreamland when you’ve been missing for six hours?). What she did do is immediately go to the other family’s home, without even changing her clothes, and spent 10 hours trying to provide adequate childcare while struggling to not fall the fuck asleep. Don’t ever make your babysitter pull a Dawn.

3. You cancel last minute (and don’t offer to pay).

Hopefully, we like your kids. We may even love them. But watching them is still a job we do for money, so we can pay bills and eat and stuff. It’s very frustrating when a paid job we’ve been counting on is cancelled last minute, especially because we may well have turned down other paid work to be there for you and your darling.

If you need to cancel in under 24 hour hours, offer to pay the sitter in full. Sorry, but bitches gotta eat. If you wouldn’t take this crap from your boss, don’t dole it out.

4. You don’t tell us your kid is sick.

I do often babysit for sick kids, but it’s only fair to tell me the situation so I can assess the risks for myself and possibly prepare with gloves/mask/etc. Not only are we almost guaranteed to get with whatever nastiness is breeding inside your child, many of us work for other families. Congratulations, now the whole block has the stomach flu.

5. You’re inconsistent with discipline.

We try our best to work with whatever cockamamie discipline system you have set up. But for that to work, your kid needs to listen to us. Don’t undermine our authority. If, in accordance with your rules, we say “no,” and little Pork Belly goes crying to you, don’t just say yes because you’re distracted or vulnerable. Explain that while we’re sitting, what we say goes and keep it moving.

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