Scary Mommy: You Are Going To Be Fat, And Other Inevitabilities Of Pregnancy

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5. You’re going to become a hypochondriac. Reading “What to Expect” books and pregnancy blogs can make you paranoid enough, but add in the health problems that often accompany being FAT, and you may notice new troubling symptoms every day. Fatigue, heartburn, abdominal pain, constipation, leg cramps, back spasms, palpitations, and kidney stones are just a few of the symptoms my friends and I have experienced (I say friends because they knew better than not to get FAT).

6. You’re going to be a basket case. Your emotions are going to be out-of-control, not because you’re freaked out by how FAT you are, or because of all the physical problems you’re having, but because of your hormones. Their action on your brain defies scientific explanation. My husband prefers the old-fashioned explanation: the curse. Yes, I know you thought that was one problem you wouldn’t have while pregnant, but the curse is still very much in force. You’ll know that when you can’t stop crying after watching a commercial where the people looked “really happy.” You’ll know that when you’re so overcome by the plot of the Hallmark movie you watched that you can’t speak without blubbering. Tell your mom friends that you love being pregnant while smiling in your cute little maternity jogging suit you wore to the gym and you can be sure: THEY WILL HATE YOU.

7. You’re going to attract crazies. By this time, I bet you’re starting to get comfortable with being FAT. But other people won’t be. People you don’t even know will come up to you, rub your belly, and ask you if you’re having multiples. What’s worse is that crazy people you DO know will feel compelled to tell you every pregnancy horror story they’ve ever heard. When this happens, take my advice: have a cookie. If everyone in your life is super sweet and supportive, pretend to be miserable anyway or WOMEN WILL HATE YOU.

8. You won’t be able to handle the pain. I don’t know if being FAT makes the pain worse, but even if you’re not fat, you’re going to cave due to pain in labor. Go ahead and take the natural labor class though. They serve a lot of good food. Then get pain relief ASAP–preferably in month 7. The only women I know who had no epidural for their first labor were disappointed that they gave birth too quickly to get one. They still talk about it years later. Speaking of years later, I met a woman many years ago who said she had no pain in labor AT ALL. I still HATE HER.

9. You’re not going to get your body back. I feel the need to remind you one more time that you’re going to be FAT. It’s hard to pack on lots of weight with no lasting effects. Imagine renting your place to someone for nine months. Do you really expect it to look the same when they move out? Your stomach will look like an old party balloon with the air let out. Same goes for the big pair of balloons you’re sporting now. Sure, it’s possible that you’ll still have a bikini-eligible body after your baby is born, but that’s the biggest mistake of all where your social life is concerned. I guarantee WE WILL HATE YOU.

10. You’re not going to be a perfect mom. No, not because you got FAT in the process of becoming a mom. Not because your expensive maternity wardrobe made you look like a float in the Thanksgiving parade. Not because you ignored my advice and pranced around in your giant underwear to cool off while your husband was awake. Not because you quit working out and became a hypochondriacal basket case. Definitely not because you promised to let some strange old lady you met at the mall babysit for you. But because it’s the most important truth about pregnancy: there are no perfect moms. And you know what? As long as you don’t pretend that you’re perfect, every mom you meet WILL LOVE YOU.

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