10 Things That Go Through Your Mind After A Pregnancy Scare

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not pregnant pregnancy test

Super fancy

Thankfully my pregnancy scare days are long gone (now that I’m a crotchety old married lady), but nothing is scarier than your period being late after the condom broke. Even if your close call was planned and not a “scare,” sitting for those two minutes while the pregnancy test does whatever dark magic is does feels like a torturous lifetime. You’re thinking “Are my boobs sore?” and “Is it too early to be craving spam and eggs with hot sauce?” And them BLAMMO you get only one blue line (or if you’re super fancy a big, fat NOT PREGNANT) and it’s all over. Here are some things that go through your mind.

10. “Think of all the money I’ll save on diapers!”

im rich bitch dave chapelle

Did you know that, on average, parents spend approximately $1600 on diapers for the first two years? Well, not me SUCKERS!

9. “Where is the closest liquor store?!”

Chelsea Handler the important thing is to be drunk

Who cares if it’s only 9 am, it’s 5 o’clock in my uterus! Think of all the booze I can drink now that I don’t have to worry about giving the fruit of my irresponsible lust fetal alcohol syndrome.

8. “But…what if I wanted a baby?”

sad Selena Gomez


Because the heart wants what it can’t have, and my hormones are a fickle mistress.

7. “Nah, screw that, I’m gonna go eat some sushi.”

SNL News horray


I like to live dangerously, not “die of salmonella” dangerously. But baby free equals sushi for me, yo.

6. “I need to buy ALL the birth control!”

Spencer Pratt male birth control

Because I can NOT let this happen again. Fact: pregnancy scares take 10 years off your life. *Not really a fact, I just made that up.*
5. “Would I have kept it?”
woman pondering gif

I think this is a pretty universal question that women ask themselves after a pregnancy scare, even women who have never considered abortion before. Even if it’s just a fleeting thought, pregnancy can be daunting and there are always doubts.
4. “Now I don’t have to move to the lame suburbs!”
funny happy dance

Insert whatever dreaded life change you would have to make here. My worst nightmare is moving to the suburbs, other folks might hate to curtail travel plans or stop eating in super elegant restaurants (those fancy ass Clear Blue Easy pregnancy tests don’t buy themselves!).
Christina Applegate why is there no booze in my belly


I really can’t stress the importance of a post-pregnancy scare bender enough.
2. “I’m going to get a tattoo!”
Dude Wheres My Car Tattoo scene

How better to celebrate not paying the price for my irresponsibility than doing something totally crazy and irresponsible! Ted Mosby-status butterfly tramp stamp, here I come!
1. “Wait, then why am I peeing every five minutes?”
Forest Gump I got to pee

Turns out I just have a penchant for too much coffee and an old lady bladder. BOOYA!