10 Things No Parent Wants To Admit That They’ve Done

I was definitely a way better parent before I became one. I had more dignity, too.

Parenting is not easy. It’s no longer enough to just pop a baby out, make sure he’s fed, clothed and healthy and call it a day. Now we’re actually expected to be good at this whole shaping-a-human thing. Which is fine, it’s just that nobody told me how embarrassing some of my decisions would be. The following is just a sampling of the many things I’ve done as a parent of small children that I’m not necessarily proud of.

1. Eaten discarded food off the floor.

Not because you’re hungry, or it looks good, or you’re disgusting. Because there’s a moment where you realize just putting a few pieces of mac and cheese in your mouth is easier than walking to the kitchen garbage. Because, time management, people.

2. Attempted to reason with a 2-year-old.

I still have no idea why I go down this road.

3. Pretended like you are more patient than you really are (in public).

I’ve mastered the fake “mommy doesn’t like it when you do this” voice.

4. Acted like it’s totally normal that your kid knows the theme songs to approximately 49 cartoons.

I have no idea why my kid retains these things. No, he doesn’t watch all of these shows. I just pretend I can’t hear him when he starts his cartoon soundtrack in public.

5. Attempted to keep a toddler’s room clean.

I read an internet meme once that said, “Cleaning a house with kids in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.” Yup.

6. Acted like the family regularly sits down to “civilized” dinners with their toddler.

Ha! No.This rarely happens in my house, but I lie about it all the time.

7. Pretended taking a dump on the toilet is an exciting and fun activity.

Well, how else are you going to convince a toddler that the toilet is an improvement on his current situation?

8. Handed your kid a $400 phone to play with.

I don’t do this anymore, but I have. Oh, I have.

9. Believed your child really only wanted to here “one more” bedtime story.

Why do kids get so sweet right before bedtime? I’m a sucker.

10. Tried to swear off wine – and failed.

I don’t see an end to the end-of-the-day glass of wine ritual coming any time soon.

(photo: Jessmine/ Shutterstock)