5 Things You’ll Never Hear A New Parent Say

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new parentsNew parenthood is both a blessing (that new baby smell!) and a curse (sleep? What sleep?). The moment you have your first baby, your entire life changes. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it’s certainly an eye opener. And folks who haven’t had kids yet often have certain misconceptions about the process. Obviously this can have hilarious results. Here are five things new parents never say. Because some things just can’t be understood until you’ve been there.

5. “Having a baby really is like having a puppy!” 

yeah okay sure

It’s TOTALLY the same thing, right? NO.

4. “I definitely don’t miss uninterrupted sleep.” 

You can pretend you’re a hard ass and post as many annoying “mommy life” hashtags on Twitter (GAG)as you want, but you know damn well that all sanity is lost somewhere between hour 24 and hour 48 of baby-induced sleep deprivation. Just embrace the madness.

3. “My mother-in-law was right, it isn’t that hard to keep my house clean with a newborn!”

Kanye West Hell Naw

I don’t think any new parent since the dawn of humanity has agreed with their mother-in-law about anything. Ever. In the history of the planet. But this particular piece of crap is especially infuriating. And this obviously comes from the same person trying to sell you the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” line of bullshit.

2. “My baby’s poop really does smell like popcorn!”

Cher Yuck Face

Okay, so maybe SOME new moms have said this. But it’s wrong and it needs to stop. Poop smells like poop. Not popcorn or chocolate and it definitely isn’t smoothie making material. This isn’t cute.

1. “I wish I’d spent more time doing the dishes/laundry/mopping etc.!”

bitch please


If I’ve learned anything in the decade or so of being a mom, it’s that the dishes will still be there in the morning. I know not everyone agrees with me on this point, but in my opinion the cleanliness of your home shouldn’t have any reflection on your ability to parent or your worth as a person. It’s okay to sneak a nap or shame-watch some Dr. Phil on occasion, and if that means that the dusting and dishes have to wait, then so be it. Well, maybe not the Dr. Phil part, but you see where I’m going with this.

(Photo:  Brocreative/Shutterstock Gifs: