Childrearing

10 Things I’ll Probably Never Stop Complaining About Because I’m A Mom, Sorry Friends

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Mommy martyr, sanctimommy – blah, blah, blah. Yeah, whatever – I’m all those things. Two babies emerged from my body. All their earthly needs rest on my shoulders. Do you know how much pressure that is? Yes, I bitch occasionally. So what? Everyone does. In fact, I don’t intend to stop bitching about the following things anytime soon.

1. How tired I am.

It turns out a full night’s sleep is necessary for brain function. Who knew? I thought parents just got used to never having a full night sleep. That’s not really how it works.

2. How hard it is to keep the house clean.

Dust? Ha! I used to worry about that. Now I just want to make sure there is a path of safety through my house so I don’t break a hip on the way to the bathroom at night.

3. How little my kid eats.

My child doesn’t want to eat or sleep. That’s all I want to do. Can you imagine having someone following you around with snacks trying to get you to nap? That is heaven. What the hell is wrong with children that they don’t realize this?

4. How annoying Pinterest is.

It’s annoying because it’s so damn inspiring – and I always want a new house or cupcake after I spend five minutes on it. Also – it makes me feel like the laziest mom on the planet.

5. Having my parenting skills judged by someone without kids.

I was you. You are wrong. You have no idea how hard this is until you have some of your own, who you are responsible for 24-hours a day.

6. My mom.

I love her so much, but she passive-aggressively slams every parenting decision I make; You’re putting her in that jacket? You cooked that for breakfast? Do you think she’s hungry already? Gahhhh. Shut up, mom.

7. How badly I want five minutes of peace.

Preferably not at the end of the day when I’m too tired to enjoy it.

8. That weird flap of skin that now exists on my belly after two c-sections.

What the hell? No wonder rich women get tummy tucks at the same time. This is bullshit.

9. How hard it is to get my kid’s pajamas on at night.

Why? Why does he have to make it so hard?

10. Gwyneth Paltrow.

This has nothing to do with me being a mom. She’s just so fun to mock.

(photo: Icons Jewelry/ Shutterstock)