10 Things Mean Moms Won’t Do For Their Kids

Inspirational mom blogs and Hallmark-style parental sappiness tells us that moms will do anything for their kids. In the sense that we will keep them alive and try our best to make them happy, sure. I can buy that. But anything? That’s patently false. I would lay down my life for them but there are other things I simply won’t ever do. Sorry, kids. A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do. Here are the things I don’t love my kids enough to ever do:

1. Share The Thin Mints

joey food2


Girl Scout cookie season is short and of all the lowish fat options, Thin Mints are the best. The kids, with their insane metabolisms, are relegated to Samoas.

2. Listen To Their Music 



I won’t listen to the Frozen soundtrack in the car. Enjoy a little Lady Gaga or GTFO and walk, children.

3. Give Up “Me” Time

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Mean Moms need time alone so they can be better Mean Moms. Unless it’s their high school graduation, I won’t skip the gym, nights out, bubble baths (ALONE) or anything else I love to do. Mommy loves you! Just not that much.

4. Buy Less Wine

gotta drink wine


The budget will have to be trimmed elsewhere because all Juicy Juice and no Cabernet makes us bitchy, miserable mommies.

5. Go To Disney World

gotta go bro


Some Mean Moms might make this sacrifice so this one is specific to me. I’m not a big fan of amusement parks or crowds so Disney sounds like my worst nightmare. I’ve thought it out and I’m not sure my love for my kids outweighs my hate for loud, crowded places full of other people’s shrieking offspring. Maybe Nana and Papa will take you.

6. Interact Patiently Without Coffee



Before coffee, all bets are off. I don’t love my kids enough to temper my temper before those first sips. Luckily, they know it too and mostly, leave me alone until I’ve been properly caffeinated.

7. Wake With The Chickens



Now that my kids are old enough that I have a choice, I choose to sleep in a little while they play with their tablets. Maybe a Nice Mommy would joyfully wake and enjoy this precious time with them but I am Mean Mommy. Ride or die.

8. Make Two Dinners

eat it


Sigh. If your kids are ultra picky, you may have no choice but if they randomly decide they don’t like what you make that night? They’re lucky to get a bowl of dry Cheerios instead. Making ONE dinner is hard enough, amirite?

9. Buy Them Loud, Annoying Toys

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If it needs batteries, you’ve gotta think long and hard if your love for your child is enough to deal with whatever unholy sounds this piece of junk will emit. For me, my sanity always comes out on top. Sorry, baybees. Read a book.

10. Give Them The Leftover Cinnamon Bun Frosting



To me, the best part of adulthood is getting all the extra frosting and cake batter. Sorry kids, you’ll have to earn this right and privilege with age.

(Image: GettyImages)

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