Dear Evil Dead Producers, You Need To Come Over And Explain Special Effects To My Kid

I’m a terrible mom. My 8-year-old daughter loves the SyFy reality series Face Off. She adores this show, she watches every episode numerous times, she can name all the contestants on it, and she has started attempting to create her own special effects makeup using a cheap makeup kit of mine, Kayro syrup, paper towels, and random sequins. We usually watch Face Off together, I enjoy it as well, and as far as reality TV shows go I’m always pleasantly surprised at how nice it is, the contestants rarely use profanity, they all sort of root for each other, and the creations they come up with are incredible. It’s fun to watch the transformations and I think it’s cool my kid has an interest in special effects makeup. We usually watch the show together, DVR’d for the next day after school when she has finished her homework. But a few episodes ago found me busy and her begging to watch and I told her “Yeah, go ahead without me, I will come watch in a bit.”

BIG PARENTING MISTAKE.

Because during this episode, they showed a preview for the 2013 remake of The Evil Dead. Now, even though the promo was edited for TV, and not nearly as disturbing as the redband trailer you can watch on the internets, after verifying your age! – it’s still amazingly scary. So, I’m upstairs, folding laundry, and my kid comes up to my room.

MOM, there is a movie, it’s about a doll, this doll, MOM, oh my gosh mom this doll, she lives in a basement Mom, Mom, she sings this song, she has the creepiest voice, MOM, you aren’t going to see this movie are you Mom and why is the doll in the basement? Mom, this movie is called The Evil Doll you cannot go see it.

And yeah, don’t go telling my kid this, but hell yeah I’m going to see the movie! I cannot wait for the movie! I have watched the trailer numerous times (when my kids aren’t around), I read Harry‘s review numerous times, and I am utterly geeked out and excited for this movie. I cannot wait.

But since seeing this preview, and she didn’t even watch the entire thing, it upset her so much, my kid has been obsessed with analyzing and over-analyzing everything she has seen in the brief moments she watched the commercial.

MOM, what is wrong with this doll in the basement?

 

Honey, it’s not a doll, it’s an actress, a very pretty actress named Jane Levy, she is wearing a lot of makeup, like you know how they do scary makeup on Face Off? She doesn’t look like that.

 

MOM, no Mom, it is a doll, it has to be a doll. No one can wear makeup like that.

 

And then we go look at the photographs of Jane Levy, and my daughter is cool with that, for like a day. And then it starts all over again.

MOM, why does she sing that song? What does that song mean. It is SUCH A SCARY SONG.

 

Babe, this is a grownup movie. It’s a horror movie. It’s scary because big people like to go to movies and be scared. It’s not real, you know it’s not real and that a lot of people worked really hard on this movie to make it scary so adults can go and be scared.

 

Mom, this song is really scary.

And then she asks ms to see a picture of the “scary doll” which, I of course, won’t do, because I know it will just end up with her asking me more questions about the movie, which I haven’t even been able to see yet, and her obsessing over what it all means.

Please tell me when the movie is released on DVD it will have a special features section which shows how the affects are done, because until then, I’m left with an 8-year-old who due to my parental stupidity saw a minute or less of movie preview which is now making her come into my room at 3 a.m. and sleep in my bed. And ask me a million questions about the “scary doll” and her “scary song” and why she wants to “get everyone.”

And when my husband and I go see the movie when it opens this week, I will lie to my kid and tell her we are seeing something else. And next time she wants to watch her beloved Face Off, I won’t be in the other room when she does. Until then, I’m just ending up being kicked a lot in the middle of the night.

(Image: The Evil Dead)