Pretend Babywearing Plus Real Alcohol Equals This Amazingly Weird New Novelty Item
Babywearing is great, but do you know what would be even greater? If your precious little six-week-old came with a straw attachment that let you sip a margarita out of the top of his fuzzy little head.
Okay, maybe it would actually be weird if your baby could double as a sippy-cup, but that’s where hot new Kickstarter product The Cool Baby can step in. Or more likely flop bonelessly in, since this is a PVC infant-facsimile that we’re talking about. The plastic baby comes strapped into a cotton baby-wearing harness, and contains a secret Thermos inside … what’s not to like? Besides, it’s nice to see the fake baby from American Sniper is still finding work now that the movie’s out.
The Kickstarter page itself is a thing of bizarre beauty–do yourself a favor and watch the weirdly memorizing performance art that is the product video. (Or don’t, and maybe spare yourself a nightmare or two tonight.)
And if merely looking at the Kickstarter isn’t enough, of course, for the low price of $35 you can have your very own Cool Baby:
(10 fingers, 10 toes, 36oz): You get a Cool Baby. It’s a real baby. Minus the biology. Plus an insulated place for your drink. Multiplied by the use of both your hands. For infinity.
While it may sound weird, I really think The Cool Baby has a lot of potential applications:
- Attachment parents whose babies hate to be worn. Get that full attachment parenting experience while simultaneously sipping calming herbal tea from the cranium of your faux-baby, so that you have the emotional capacity to deal with the real and much less cooperative version.
- Empty nest parents. For those whose babies aren’t babies at all anymore, The Cool Baby provides a way to get those missing cuddles in, as well as a hands-free way to drink wine. (The Cool Baby has a 36-ounce capacity, which is more than enough to hold a standard-sized bottle of your favorite Chardonnay!)
- Runners. If you’re a long-distance runner, depending on your posture, you may find the front-loaded Cool Baby more convenient than a hydration backpack. If you don’t have a running partner, The Cool Baby also offers companionship, or the illusion thereof, which totally isn’t sad at all.
- People who hate making small talk on the bus or subway. No way in hell is anyone going to try to strike up a conversation with the weirdo who’s gleefully drinking soda out of a plastic baby’s brainpan.
The Cool Baby is definitely the most amazing thing I’ll see on the Internet today, and I really, really hope it’s the weirdest. If you like the idea of The Cool Baby but you don’t want a Cool Baby of your own, consider just chipping in a dollar for the Postpardum [sic] Digital High-Five. Or if one Cool Baby just won’t cut it, the Kickstarter also offers a “Date Night” package with a pair of Cool Babies for a special night out on the town together, and a “Baby Shower” option with four babies plus a special video accompaniment made just for you. And if that video is anything like the one made for the Kickstarter, I suggest filling your Cool Baby with 36 ounces of vodka screwdriver before you watch it.