Pretend Babywearing Plus Real Alcohol Equals This Amazingly Weird New Novelty Item

Babywearing is great, but do you know what would be even greater? If your precious little six-week-old came with a straw attachment that let you sip a margarita out of the top of his fuzzy little head.

Okay, maybe it would actually be weird if your baby could double as a sippy-cup, but that’s where hot new Kickstarter product The Cool Baby can step in. Or more likely flop bonelessly in, since this is a PVC infant-facsimile that we’re talking about. The plastic baby comes strapped into a cotton baby-wearing harness, and contains a secret Thermos inside … what’s not to like? Besides, it’s nice to see the fake baby from American Sniper is still finding work now that the movie’s out.

The Kickstarter page itself is a thing of bizarre beauty–do yourself a favor and watch the weirdly memorizing performance art that is the product video. (Or don’t, and maybe spare yourself a nightmare or two tonight.)

Yup.

And if merely looking at the Kickstarter isn’t enough, of course, for the low price of $35 you can have your very own Cool Baby:

(10 fingers, 10 toes, 36oz): You get a Cool Baby. It’s a real baby. Minus the biology. Plus an insulated place for your drink. Multiplied by the use of both your hands. For infinity.

While it may sound weird, I really think The Cool Baby has a lot of potential applications:

Attachment parents whose babies hate to be worn. Get that full attachment parenting experience while simultaneously sipping calming herbal tea from the cranium of your faux-baby, so that you have the emotional capacity to deal with the real and much less cooperative version.
Empty nest parents. For those whose babies aren’t babies at all anymore, The Cool Baby provides a way to get those missing cuddles in, as well as a hands-free way to drink wine. (The Cool Baby has a 36-ounce capacity, which is more than enough to hold a standard-sized bottle of your favorite Chardonnay!)
Runners. If you’re a long-distance runner, depending on your posture, you may find the front-loaded Cool Baby more convenient than a hydration backpack. If you don’t have a running partner, The Cool Baby also offers companionship, or the illusion thereof, which totally isn’t sad at all.
People who hate making small talk on the bus or subway. No way in hell is anyone going to try to strike up a conversation with the weirdo who’s gleefully drinking soda out of a plastic baby’s brainpan.

The Cool Baby is definitely the most amazing thing I’ll see on the Internet today, and I really, really hope it’s the weirdest. If you like the idea of The Cool Baby but you don’t want a Cool Baby of your own, consider just chipping in a dollar for the Postpardum [sic] Digital High-Five. Or if one Cool Baby just won’t cut it, the Kickstarter also offers a “Date Night” package with a pair of Cool Babies for a special night out on the town together, and a “Baby Shower” option with four babies plus a special video accompaniment made just for you. And if that video is anything like the one made for the Kickstarter, I suggest filling your Cool Baby with 36 ounces of vodka screwdriver before you watch it.

(Images: Kickstarter)