The 10 Stages Of Hungover Parenting
1. The Wake UpHead pounding, room spinning, wake up, groggily putting pieces together after debauchery of last nightâ€™s birthday celebration. Naked in bed. My fiancÃ© beside me. Memory flash of him picking me up off of hallway entrance floor last night, carrying me upstairs, undressing me like a baby. OMG! FUCK! I have a baby! Dear god, what kind of mother am I?
Â 2. The Other Flashbacks
Baby still sleeping. Check clock. Nanny starts in five minutes. Still dizzy. Bed is where I want to be too. Head back to bed, head still pounding, thanking god profusely that my baby has slept until almost 7 a.m. Did I really kiss girls last night? Memory Flash! I did! But kissing other women is not considered cheating. SHIT! Speaking of females, I also have a daughter! Where is my little girl?
(photo:Â Areli GarcÃa)
3. Realize Nobody Has To Go To School
Jump up again and remember she has no school today, which is why I smartly picked LAST night to celebrate and get wasted. I THANK GOD that my daughter loves to sleep in. I can buy a few more hours of sleep. Iâ€™m SO smart to have planned to get drunk. Maybe not so smart to do all those tequila shots and kiss my girlfriends. But smart enough to PLAN on being hungover, which is what motherhood is all about. Smart planning, even when it comes to planning on getting wasted.
(photo:Â Ranken Jordan)
4. The Discovery Of Bruises
Wake up again. Phone is beeping away. There are texts from friends, â€œAre you okay?â€ â€œThat was so much fun!â€ â€œAre you alive?â€ â€œHow are you feeling?â€ Iâ€™m old and a mother. Iâ€™m feeling fucking tired, like always. But ouch! My head. This is why I do not drink. Hangovers and motherhood do NOT mix. And, ouch, my leg! Ask fiancÃ© where I got big bruise on outside thigh. â€œMaybe when I accidently dropped you trying to carry you up stairs last night.â€ Wonderful. Now I feel hungover AND fat.
5. There’s Only Children’s Advil In The House
Speaking of fat, must call trainer and cancel. No way I can work out today. I try to remember how to work my phone to text him. Back to bed. Advil first. Super fucking annoyed when I can only find Childrenâ€™s Advil. I try to do math. My daughter sucks on two and a half of these when she has a headache. So I needâ€¦what? Five? I pop a Childrenâ€™s Advil in my mouth and spit it out immediately. How do children EAT those things? But itâ€™s that or Baby Tylenol. Actually think of drowning the rest of the bottle of Baby Tylenol before remembering that I put the Advil in my red purse, the one I used when I went to see daughterâ€™s school concert.
6. Fastfood Run “For The Kid”
Wake up again. Daughter watching television. â€œDo you want to go to McDonaldâ€™s?â€ she asks. Actually, the truth is, I ask HER if SHE wants to go to McDonaldâ€™s. The only thing I think will make me feel better is some carbs with a large fries and fountain soda (the best!). â€œYouâ€™re the best mommy in the world,â€ my daughter says. She loves the Golden Arches. No need to tell her WHY Iâ€™m the one who needs McDonaldâ€™s, I think.
â€œYes, I am the best mother in the world,â€ I tell her.
7. The Swearing Off Of Shots
Back home after eating the most delicious Big Mac Iâ€™ve ever had, I tell fiancÃ©, who has taken off work because he too is hungover, that I canâ€™t talk. Literally. Canâ€™t form a sentence, except to say, â€œIâ€™m too old to do shots. Iâ€™M TOO OLD!â€ Head back to bed.
(photo:Â Lynda Giddens)
8. Spot Myself In The Mirror
Wake up. Decide to brush teeth. Anything that will make me feel better. Mistake. I see myself in the mirror, with mascara clumped under my eyes. I look like shit. My hair is crazy. My eyes have bags. Why didnâ€™t anyone mention the mascara on my chin? I look old. Mistake to look in mirror. Mistake to look in mirror, that is, at my age, being a mother of two, hungover. Sink into depression. This, too, is why I donâ€™ drink.
9. The “Do Your Remember?” Game
â€œDonâ€™t you remember saying to that guy to take off his pants?â€ my fiancÃ© asks, laughing.
â€œNo,â€ I say. I donâ€™t usually drink and this is why.
â€œYouâ€™re so funny when youâ€™re drunk! You donâ€™t remember feeling that girls breasts to check out her boob job?â€ he presses.
So I press: â€œDo you remember you said youâ€™d put up baby gates three weeks ago? Do you remember saying youâ€™re going to build that tree house two years ago!â€
10. Put Off Drinking Until Next Birthday
Decide that I AM for sure a hilarious drunk. Decide also that Iâ€™m awful at drinking. And even worse at handling a hangover. Two days later, I still feel and look like crap. Iâ€™m still taking Advil. The thought of any alcoholic beverage makes my stomach churn. Wonder how I once did this almost nightly in my 20s. Is it age or motherhood or both? Decide I will wonder forever because this mother isnâ€™t drinking againâ€¦until next birthday.
(photo: Rachel Ford James)