The 10 Stages Of Hungover Parenting

1. The Wake UpHead pounding, room spinning, wake up, groggily putting pieces together after debauchery of last night’s birthday celebration. Naked in bed. My fiancé beside me. Memory flash of him picking me up off of hallway entrance floor last night, carrying me upstairs, undressing me like a baby. OMG! FUCK! I have a baby! Dear god, what kind of mother am I?

(photo: AnnaKatherineRandles)

 2. The Other Flashbacks

Baby still sleeping. Check clock. Nanny starts in five minutes. Still dizzy. Bed is where I want to be too. Head back to bed, head still pounding, thanking god profusely that my baby has slept until almost 7 a.m. Did I really kiss girls last night? Memory Flash! I did! But kissing other women is not considered cheating. SHIT! Speaking of females, I also have a daughter! Where is my little girl?

(photo: Areli García)

3. Realize Nobody Has To Go To School

Jump up again and remember she has no school today, which is why I smartly picked LAST night to celebrate and get wasted. I THANK GOD that my daughter loves to sleep in. I can buy a few more hours of sleep. I’m SO smart to have planned to get drunk. Maybe not so smart to do all those tequila shots and kiss my girlfriends. But smart enough to PLAN on being hungover, which is what motherhood is all about. Smart planning, even when it comes to planning on getting wasted.

(photo: Ranken Jordan)

4. The Discovery Of Bruises

Wake up again. Phone is beeping away. There are texts from friends, “Are you okay?” “That was so much fun!” “Are you alive?” “How are you feeling?” I’m old and a mother. I’m feeling fucking tired, like always. But ouch! My head. This is why I do not drink. Hangovers and motherhood do NOT mix. And, ouch, my leg! Ask fiancé where I got big bruise on outside thigh. “Maybe when I accidently dropped you trying to carry you up stairs last night.” Wonderful. Now I feel hungover AND fat.

(photo: ceramicship)

5. There’s Only Children’s Advil In The House

Speaking of fat, must call trainer and cancel. No way I can work out today. I try to remember how to work my phone to text him. Back to bed. Advil first. Super fucking annoyed when I can only find Children’s Advil. I try to do math. My daughter sucks on two and a half of these when she has a headache. So I need…what? Five? I pop a Children’s Advil in my mouth and spit it out immediately. How do children EAT those things? But it’s that or Baby Tylenol. Actually think of drowning the rest of the bottle of Baby Tylenol before remembering that I put the Advil in my red purse, the one I used when I went to see daughter’s school concert.

(photo: childrens.advil.com)

6. Fastfood Run “For The Kid”

Wake up again. Daughter watching television. “Do you want to go to McDonald’s?” she asks. Actually, the truth is, I ask HER if SHE wants to go to McDonald’s. The only thing I think will make me feel better is some carbs with a large fries and fountain soda (the best!). “You’re the best mommy in the world,” my daughter says. She loves the Golden Arches. No need to tell her WHY I’m the one who needs McDonald’s, I think.

“Yes, I am the best mother in the world,” I tell her.

(photo: momjjc142608)

7. The Swearing Off Of Shots

Back home after eating the most delicious Big Mac I’ve ever had, I tell fiancé, who has taken off work because he too is hungover, that I can’t talk. Literally. Can’t form a sentence, except to say, “I’m too old to do shots. I’M TOO OLD!” Head back to bed.

(photo: Lynda Giddens)

8. Spot Myself In The Mirror

Wake up. Decide to brush teeth. Anything that will make me feel better. Mistake. I see myself in the mirror, with mascara clumped under my eyes. I look like shit. My hair is crazy. My eyes have bags. Why didn’t anyone mention the mascara on my chin? I look old. Mistake to look in mirror. Mistake to look in mirror, that is, at my age, being a mother of two, hungover. Sink into depression. This, too, is why I don’ drink.

(photo: Igor Borodin/ Shutterstock)

9. The “Do Your Remember?” Game

“Don’t you remember saying to that guy to take off his pants?” my fiancé asks, laughing.

“No,” I say. I don’t usually drink and this is why.

“You’re so funny when you’re drunk! You don’t remember feeling that girls breasts to check out her boob job?” he presses.

So I press: “Do you remember you said you’d put up baby gates three weeks ago? Do you remember saying you’re going to build that tree house two years ago!”

(photo: silentlamb0mg)

10. Put Off Drinking Until Next Birthday

Decide that I AM for sure a hilarious drunk. Decide also that I’m awful at drinking. And even worse at handling a hangover. Two days later, I still feel and look like crap. I’m still taking Advil. The thought of any alcoholic beverage makes my stomach churn. Wonder how I once did this almost nightly in my 20s. Is it age or motherhood or both? Decide I will wonder forever because this mother isn’t drinking again…until next birthday.

(photo: Rachel Ford James)