Televangelist Says Masturbation Gives You Pregnant Hands, This Is Somehow Not A Joke

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holy-hands-reaching-towards-skyFor some reason, people will say almost anything to try to keep your hands out of your own pants. They’ll tell you masturbation causes hairy palms, blindness, infertility, and even eternity in a burning hellscape. A televangelist recently had a conference call with the voice in his head, though, and he came up with a theory that will truly scare your pants back on: masturbation causes hand pregnancy in the afterlife.

According to Raw Story, Muslim televangelist Mücahid Cihad Han was answering viewer questions in a May 24th broadcast on private television station 2000 TV when a viewer admitted he just couldn’t stop choking the chicken even though he was married. In fact, he was so addicted to self-love he even masturbated during a pilgrimage to Mecca. Han reminded the man that masturbation is a forbidden act in Islam, and he could’ve stopped there but he didn’t. Things got real strange, real fast.

“Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” Han opined, according to the translation provided by Hurriyet Daily News.

You hear that, you insatiable sex monsters? Masturbation will give you a raging case of pregnancy hands in the afterlife. No word yet on whether or not your vibrator can also get knocked up, but show of (pregnant) hands: who’s having like 9,000 finger babies as soon as they kick the bucket?

Obviously the best thing about this revelation is that men will finally get to experience pregnancy. I can just imagine them running around with their swollen palms, stressing about how they can’t fit into their pre-pregnancy gloves anymore and cursing the first time they ever saw a Victoria’s Secret catalog. It’s going to be amazing, y’all. If you aren’t already a dirty sinner, start now so you can join us for the hand-baby showers.

(Photo:  / Shutterstock)