20 Irrational Things You Say When You Have Raging PMS

As I write, I have raging PMS. That, or my husband’s vasectomy has failed, and I am facing a much more terrible fate than I even realize.

I know the womanly PMS stereotype is really annoying, but I promise you that I feel abnormally emotional and batshit crazy. I would love to blame it all on hormones because I hope it goes away real soon.

Until then, I’m going to continue to torture myself by reading really, really sad headlines about child abuse and creating this list of all stupid things I say to everyone in my life once a month, like clockwork:

1. Fuck this.

2. Fuck that.

3. I feel like I have an aquifer of sadness inside me. (Yes, I really said this to my sister.)

4. These fucking Cheetos are like LIFE.

5. She said that because she is a SLUT.

6. He said that because his mother is a BITCH.

7. I’m screening her calls. All. Day. Long.

8. We should adopt an orphan.

9. I need to join the gym.

10. Why didn’t my parents ever push me to play lacrosse? I would have been so good.

11. Why didn’t my parents ever push me to join debate team? I would have been so good.

12. I just finished eating, but I’m still so hungreeeee.

13. I’ve always wanted to write a memoir.

14. I’ve never told you this before, but the way you unload the dishwasher makes me want to murder you.

15. Have you ever heard of wiping up CRUMBS before? Off the COUNTER?

16. The way you said that was really rude.

17. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

18. I’m going to join the Peace Corps.

19. You better believe my therapist is going to hear about this.

20. I DID MY BEST.