Survey Says Women Over 35 Can Only Wear Burlap Sacks Or Something Equally As Concealing

A survey of 2,000 women found that we’re all secretly body-shaming each other 70% of the day.  20% of the day is spent age-shaming. The other 10% is spent trying to figure out what we’re going to have for our next meal. 100% of the statistics I just spewed are made up by me – but are equally as dependable as the “research” that claims women need to stop showing certain parts of their body when they reach the ripe old age of 34.

Women should ditch belly-bearing crop-tops by the age of 34, and avoid showing off midriffs in bikinis as soon as they reach 40 according to other women, a study has revealed. Researchers found even if you sport a toned tum and slim body, two thirds of women believe certain clothes should come with a ”˜wear by’ age with most items deemed unsuitable by the big 4-0.

Mini-skirts, hot pants and belly button piercings should also be avoided after your mid-thirties.

And it’s not just crop tops and bikinis that the over 30s need to avoid, with the mini skirt being labelled as ”˜too old’ for those aged 37 or above, while hot pants should be ditched at 35.

I have a few questions. First, what are “hot pants?” Next, why can’t I wear what I damn well please when I damn well please? Last, why does All-Bran care?

All-Bran cereal commissioned a survey of 2,000 women, asking them if they felt there were “expiration dates” on various types of clothing. This in turn produced stats that ultimately turned into “news.” Well, if you consider news to be skewed statistics that perform no function but that of making women feel like shit. Just in case your biological clock isn’t ticking loud enough – there’s also a belly-ring clock, a stiletto clock, a mini-skirt clock and a bikini clock. Help! I can’t even hear myself think over the cacophonous symphony of all of this ticking! 

The fact is, PR companies get paid to concoct these bullshit surveys to produce bullshit statistics that in turn produce bullshit stories that try to make us all feel bad about ourselves. Just ask 72point.com, the PR company responsible for putting this “research” together:

Research is an incredibly effective tool for enhancing brand awareness and we are leaders when it comes to survey-based news.

As part of our PR Survey service, our in-house team of trained journalists will identify your survey angle, compile the questionnaire, host the survey andcollate the data.

If you opt for our full survey and sell-in ”˜Package’ we can also write your news copy around the results and distribute your story online and to the national press”¦we can even rewrite your copy for radio!

We’re pretty fast too. Our polling partner OnePoll.com can survey and collate the results of 2,000 people within 24 hours.

In summary – wear whatever you want. These stats were generated in less than 24 hours and mean exactly nothing.

You’re welcome.

(photo: PRILL/ Shutterstock)