8 Super Weird Things Only Moms Understand
Thank God the world is made up of so many mothers – mothers who work in the check-out line at the grocery store, mothers who ride on airplanes, mothers who teach at my child’s school and mothers who deliver my mail. If I wasn’t constantly surrounded by a sea of women who also have coffee-stained shirts hidden under blazers or sweatshirts and pink hair-ties hiding under their locks, I’d be in a pretty rough spot. Not only would many of my actions be frowned upon (even more so than they already are), but it’s quite possible that I’d be a serious outlier in a society of otherwise ”normally” functioning humans. I may even be banned from a few establishments and possibly arrested at least twice. Give or take. Motherhood becomes so ingrained in us it tends to follow us wherever we go. It is not a switch you can turn off and sometimes that makes us act in unusual ways and do things that don’t really make much sense. Alas”¦
Here are just a few strange things I have done, that most mothers probably have, as well (I hope).
1. Tried to rock a bag of kitty litter to sleep in the check-out line at the grocery store.
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If you’ve ever had a fussy baby on your hip for six months straight, or a year, or two years”¦ or one after the other, then you’re used to the happy baby dance. The second you stop moving they fuss or cry or stab you in the eye with a pretzel. So you don’t stop moving. Ever. Then, at the rare opportunity to take yourself on a ”me-date” to the grocery store, you find you are still a’movin’ and a’shakin sans baby. Some will likely stare and wonder why you are dancing around the line with you bag of Tidy Cat, but others will smile to themselves and secretly feel united in your lunacy.
2. Ran out of cream and squirted breast milk in your coffee.
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Straight from the boob. And it was kinda sweet so you didn’t even need the sugar. I mean, if it’s good enough for baby”¦
3. Wiped something super nasty with your hand or sleeve.
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As mothers, we get used to things needing to be wiped. A nose is running like a faucet and there’s no tissue in sight. You can’t stand to see your kid looking like Krusty the Clown, so you grab that green snot and deposit it on your jeans. But every once in a while, we realize we are slightly too desensitized to ”the grossness factor.” A random stranger sneezes and without thinking your arm juts out as you offer your sleeve to a grown man. Your eyes meet, and you realize, that’s not your 4-year-old booger face and that forty year old businessman is not saying ”thank you.” He’s about to call the police.
4. Changed a diaper somewhere you probably shouldn’t have.
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I know we all like to point our finger at that Texas mom who ripped off a dirty diaper in a restaurant recently. But, sorry, most of us have done it, too. Maybe not on the table, and maybe not if it was a poop, but I’ve (discretely) changed a diaper on a pad, pretty much wherever I needed to if the establishment lacked a changing table. Why trek out to the car in the freezing cold when you can change that sucker in mere seconds? As long as the maitre d doesn’t spy you doing it.
5. Baby-talked to an adult.
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”Awww, hunny” and ”I go bye-bye now!” are pretty common occurrences. But the instinctual ”WUV YA!” to a parent at school pick-up who you’ve known for a week is for sure the creepiest.
6. Driven like your grandmother.
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Typically when you become a parent you also become a much more cautious driver. No more blasting Kelly Clarkson (I mean, gansta rap) and speeding with all the windows down like it’s 2003. Now you drive at Granny-speed, hallucinating children running out from behind cars for fear you’re going to clip one. Unless there’s a screaming baby in the car. In that case, you drive like a total maniac.
7. Slept in a ”big girl’s” bed.
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AKA a bed belonging to a toddler who doesn’t want to sleep without her feet shoved into your butt. You wake with a stiff neck, shoulder, dead leg and kid’s drool on your neck but hell, it’s better than no sleep at all.
8. Gave a colorful description of poop, a rash, or some sort of discharge without batting an eyelash.
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The only time this is really necessary is when you’re talking to a doctor or typing symptoms into Google. But sometimes, you just want to compare and contrast. However, maybe we should all agree to stop doing this one over dinner.
