10 Things To Panic About Before You Panic About Enterovirus

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As you may have noticed if you’ve been in the vicinity of a TV, newspaper, or the Internet in the last week, Enterovirus D68 is here, and it’s kind of a big deal. But then again, maybe it’s not.

While cases are cropping up in more and more states, for most children who come down with the disease, enterovirus symptoms are going to be about the same as you’d see with another virus currently raging through the nation: the common cold. If your child seems really sick, then take him to the doctor, enterovirus or not. But before you freak out about enterovirus arriving in your state and decide to pack your kids into the car to hide out in a cabin in the woods for the duration, here are a few suggestions for better uses of your precious panicking time.

1. Eyebrow mites.

Most people aren’t going to get enterovirus, but just about everyone has eyebrow mites. Invisible, hideous, and prowling your T-zone as we speak. Has your face just started itching? Did it take your mind off enterovirus? You’re welcome.

2. Forgetting to turn off your cell phone during takeoff.

You’ve just doomed everyone on the plane. Good work.

3. Comets.

You’re not afraid of comets? I have some dinosaurs who would like to have a word with you.

4. Drinking expired milk.

I’m 99% sure that milk turns into poison at midnight on its sell-by date. Why didn’t you check before taking a swig straight from the jug? WHY?

5. The economy, stupid.

A stagnating economy plus the disappearance of long-term job security; and never mind the fact that college is going to cost nine bazillion dollars a year by the time your kid turns eighteen.

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